Day 3: Psalm 139

I've had a headache for three days and I'm still exhausted. My mom keeps making excuses for me, but it's really my own fault. I remember this as I read JD Greear's Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart, where he writes, "You chose sin because you liked it better than God". What a blowing truth. In this world, I will not be made complete or perfect. It is to come, but has not been manifested yet. And still there is assurance and rest and hope in Christ my Advocate: "Normally an advocate argues for your innocence - or, that you should not be punished based on extenuating circumstances, your general good character demonstrated in other places, etc. Our Advocate does no such thing. He never argues for our goodness. He argues His righteousness in our place". 

I think about sin. I remember the spoken word by P4CM, "Almost Saved",  "In our completeness we find complacence". How true those words are! I get stuck. I find solace in the Word and in fellowship with God and I forget that I am a sinner who actually needs my Jesus to rescue me. When my sins are less obvious I forget they're there, and maybe, just maybe, it takes something big to remind me who I am and who I need. I think of the young revivalist Robert Murray McCheyne, and how he relentlessly looked at his sin, and how when he found it, it made him closer to his Savior. That's not my reaction. I sin and I'm like my mother, Eve. I try to cover myself and hide. I run away, ignoring the promise of 1 Corinthians 3:23, and you are Christ's and Christ is God's and chapter 6, verse 17, But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Nothing can separate me from him. Nothing. 

And as I think, I have been plugging away on my list. I'm getting ready to switch banks. This is so weird. I've banked at Waukesha State since I had an account opened for me at 6. I went to Goodwill with a pile of stuff (don't worry Betsy, I saved another bin for your sale. Everyone else: if you need small abercrombie and fitch clothes or homecoming dresses hit that up). I secured an apartment (43rd and 7th!) and am just waiting for dear Angela to scan over the lease papers for me to sign so that I can locate a Wells Fargo and get her the first month's rent. I still need to get a car. And deal with my phone situation. And plan my trip. But, it could be worse. 

I've been reading Psalm 139 every day for some time now. 

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

This is scary and wonderful all at once. Scary to know that God has seen all of me, but wonderful in that His knowledge of me results in deep love. 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.

He discerns my thoughts. He knows my deepest hopes and fears and desires to be known by me in them. 

 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Though I move, the Lord is ever before me. He makes my path straight and prepares the way. 

 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

I can't express how amazing it is to be under His protection, to find my refuge and dwelling place in Him. 

 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.

For someone who is moving, who is uncertain, who is in many ways starting over, this knowledge is bliss. To be led by the Lord, to be known by Him, to be always in His presence. 

 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
 even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

In the darkness of my deepest fears, God is there, shining a light. The light of men, Jesus, that cannot be overcome by darkness. 

 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.

Oh my soul, let this knowledge abound!

 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

The Lord already has my book written. As I begin this next chapter, how comforting to know He is already there. He knows my next step when I do not, and He knows the way the story ends. He knows why each day and each moment had to happen, and how they are all a part of His glorious tale. 

 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

Precious are His thoughts toward me. He cares for me, and will always be there in all things, always good and always in control. 

 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
 They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.
 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting!

Let me be of one mind with You, my Lord and Savior, my friend and Father. Let me be aware of Your leadings; remove my own inclinations and let me be led by You.

I sat at Starbucks this morning and journaled about things that are finally starting to hit me; how will my relationships change; what will it be like with having apart be the norm instead of together; what new friends will I make; how will I; how will I stay close with the people I love now; what will this all look like in five years, ten, 20. Who will be at my wedding. Who will be my maid of honor. So many questions, no answers. Nothing but the goodness and sovereignty of God, and that must be enough.