Well, after spending my free time this semester in meetings, practices, voluntelling schemes, and miscellaneous worship leader/student organizer tasks, the first Easter service at Eaton Chapel on campus in decades has passed. Praise the Lord.
The day started at 8:45, when worship team members arrived at the chapel in our Sunday best for
one. last. practice.
Slowly, the choir filtered in.
And then, pews began to fill.
Familiar faces blended with the unfamiliar and I tried really hard to talk to as many people that I knew as I could. If I missed you, I'm sorry, there was a lot going on.
I taught my co-guitarist how to fist bump and explode (this is hilarious because he has white hair and has been playing the guitar significantly longer than I have been alive).
This was such a beautiful day. Pretty sure this will make it into my top five Beloit moments.
I never thought I would get to proclaim "He is risen indeed" on my campus, with my friends, church, and college faculty.
The music was fantastic, the Scripture was so well done, and powerfully brought to light, and Pastor Tim did a great job with his message.
Also, I didn't trip, and if you weren't there you cannot appreciate this accomplishment. I had to walk across a stage criss crossed with chords numerous times.
What a wonderful day, and what a wonderful Savior is Jesus!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Worship that Means More
With all the uncertainty swirling around, I remembered Betsy's words of advice: if you have obligations that you need to dip out of, this takes priority.
I went to our Easter rehearsal, not sure if I was going to stay the whole time. Who can sit and worship when you feel like this?
But what else can you do?
Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night!
I played those chords and sung those words with everything that I am, because I so desperately need that to be true.
The tomb may be full now, but Sunday is coming
The darkness is harsh now, but the light is coming
I went to our Easter rehearsal, not sure if I was going to stay the whole time. Who can sit and worship when you feel like this?
But what else can you do?
Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night!
I played those chords and sung those words with everything that I am, because I so desperately need that to be true.
The tomb may be full now, but Sunday is coming
The darkness is harsh now, but the light is coming
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.
All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.
In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light.
The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him.
But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us,and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:1-14
Friday, March 29, 2013
A Night for the Ugly Beautiful
My heart drops to my stomach as I hang up the phone; I suddenly feel as though I'm gasping for every breath.
It's a night for the ugly beautiful.
Can I, right now, say, the lines are falling for me in pleasant places? Can I say my inheritance is beautiful?
It's a night for red eyes and labored breath and avoiding your hall-mates on the way to the bathroom so they won't have to ask what's wrong
It's a night for fleece blankets and the ugliest sweater and softest leggings
It's a night to replay the soothing words like broken cassette tapes that won't stop repeating
I open my journal to write it out, and I see a quote from the Jesus Storybook Bible
But God's plan was still working
Heart still heavy, I pick up my guitar, foolishly thinking I can sing and play and worship but not actually have to feel anything or mean what I'm saying
I know what I should play, but I don't want to - I can't say that
But as I lean away from God, He draws me into the Holy of holies, and I sing,
I'm trading my sorrows...I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord
Yes, Lord. I will take what You give me, and I will be grateful, because
One act of thanksgiving when things go wrong with us is worth a thousand when things are agreeable to our inclinations - Saint John of Avila
It's a night for too much ice cream
It's a night for hearts pounding
It's a night for breathing like you just finished a 5k
It's a night to sing,
I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart
I will enter His courts with praise
I will say this is the day that the Lord has made
I will rejoice for He has made me glad
He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for He has made me gla-a-ad
He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for He has made me glad
It's a night to stare up at the biggest ugly-beautiful, the cross, the tomb and remember how the story ends; hope is coming.
It's a night for cell phones on loud and charged and not out of your sight for a second, just in case
It's a night for waiting and wondering and helplessness
It's a night for the ugly beautiful
It's a night for the ugly beautiful.
Can I, right now, say, the lines are falling for me in pleasant places? Can I say my inheritance is beautiful?
It's a night for red eyes and labored breath and avoiding your hall-mates on the way to the bathroom so they won't have to ask what's wrong
It's a night for fleece blankets and the ugliest sweater and softest leggings
It's a night to replay the soothing words like broken cassette tapes that won't stop repeating
I open my journal to write it out, and I see a quote from the Jesus Storybook Bible
But God's plan was still working
Heart still heavy, I pick up my guitar, foolishly thinking I can sing and play and worship but not actually have to feel anything or mean what I'm saying
I know what I should play, but I don't want to - I can't say that
But as I lean away from God, He draws me into the Holy of holies, and I sing,
I'm trading my sorrows...I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord
Yes, Lord. I will take what You give me, and I will be grateful, because
One act of thanksgiving when things go wrong with us is worth a thousand when things are agreeable to our inclinations - Saint John of Avila
It's a night for too much ice cream
It's a night for hearts pounding
It's a night for breathing like you just finished a 5k
It's a night to sing,
I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart
I will enter His courts with praise
I will say this is the day that the Lord has made
I will rejoice for He has made me glad
He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for He has made me gla-a-ad
He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for He has made me glad
It's a night to stare up at the biggest ugly-beautiful, the cross, the tomb and remember how the story ends; hope is coming.
It's a night for cell phones on loud and charged and not out of your sight for a second, just in case
It's a night for waiting and wondering and helplessness
It's a night for the ugly beautiful
It Was My Sin That Held Him There
Today is the remembrance of the greatest paradox in perhaps all of history:
Good Friday
What is good about Jesus dying?
What is good about a man who did no wrong to anyone, hanging on a cross, bleeding and slowly suffocating to death?
It's the very purest of all goods: my sin absorbed by His righteousness, my guilt covered by His blood.
Jesus became sin, my sin, and died to put it to death.
One of my favorite songs is How Deep the Father's Love for us, and I thought I'd share the lyrics with some of the Scripture that backs it up.
How Deep the Father's Love for Us by Stuart Townsend
How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13
may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth Ephesians 3:18
Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities. Isaiah 53:10-11
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5
Behold the Man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
And the people stood by, watching, but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, “He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!” The soldiers also mocked him, coming up and offering him sour wine and saying, “If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!” Luke 23:35-37
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
I have a baptism to be baptized with, and how great is my distress until it is accomplished! Luke 12:50
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. John 19:30
I will not boast in anything
No gifts no power no wisdom
Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lordwho practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 9:23-24
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Galatians 6:14
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19
His wounds have paid my ransom
Good Friday
What is good about Jesus dying?
What is good about a man who did no wrong to anyone, hanging on a cross, bleeding and slowly suffocating to death?
It's the very purest of all goods: my sin absorbed by His righteousness, my guilt covered by His blood.
Jesus became sin, my sin, and died to put it to death.
One of my favorite songs is How Deep the Father's Love for us, and I thought I'd share the lyrics with some of the Scripture that backs it up.
How Deep the Father's Love for Us by Stuart Townsend
How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13
may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth Ephesians 3:18
Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities. Isaiah 53:10-11
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5
Behold the Man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
And the people stood by, watching, but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, “He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!” The soldiers also mocked him, coming up and offering him sour wine and saying, “If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!” Luke 23:35-37
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
I have a baptism to be baptized with, and how great is my distress until it is accomplished! Luke 12:50
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. John 19:30
I will not boast in anything
No gifts no power no wisdom
Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lordwho practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 9:23-24
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Galatians 6:14
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19
His wounds have paid my ransom
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Let Us Love
Do you know why it's called Maundy Thursday?
Quoting from John Piper's Holy Week devotional,
"Today is Maundy Thursday. The name comes from the Latin mandatum, the first word in the Latin rendering of John 13:34, 'A new commandment (mandatum novum) I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another'. This commandment was given by Jesus on the Thursday before his crucifixion. So Maundy Thursday is the 'Thursday of the Commandment'"
I've long been interested on the depth of what it means for us to love as Jesus loved. Love is about so much more than being nice to someone, but that's part of it. What is Jesus' love really like?
It is sacrificial
It is humble
It is self-denying
It is non-discriminating
It is non-judgmental
It is all-encompassing
It is forgiving
It is tender
It is convicting
It is ever-present
Hannah More, a friend of William Wilberforce, writes of love,
"Love never reasons, but profusely gives; it gives like a thoughtless prodigal its all, and then trembles least it has done to little."
There's no concern as to whether it's too much, or unnecessary. There's no "just enough". Love is not about doing the minimum to get by. It's about being there, and growing through every moment.
Maundy Thursday is all about that radical, incorrigibly giving kind of love. This song's been running through my head all day: Let Us Love by NeedToBreathe
Quoting from John Piper's Holy Week devotional,
"Today is Maundy Thursday. The name comes from the Latin mandatum, the first word in the Latin rendering of John 13:34, 'A new commandment (mandatum novum) I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another'. This commandment was given by Jesus on the Thursday before his crucifixion. So Maundy Thursday is the 'Thursday of the Commandment'"
I've long been interested on the depth of what it means for us to love as Jesus loved. Love is about so much more than being nice to someone, but that's part of it. What is Jesus' love really like?
It is sacrificial
It is humble
It is self-denying
It is non-discriminating
It is non-judgmental
It is all-encompassing
It is forgiving
It is tender
It is convicting
It is ever-present
Hannah More, a friend of William Wilberforce, writes of love,
"Love never reasons, but profusely gives; it gives like a thoughtless prodigal its all, and then trembles least it has done to little."
There's no concern as to whether it's too much, or unnecessary. There's no "just enough". Love is not about doing the minimum to get by. It's about being there, and growing through every moment.
Maundy Thursday is all about that radical, incorrigibly giving kind of love. This song's been running through my head all day: Let Us Love by NeedToBreathe
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Be Still Wednesday
Sunday, palms were waved.
Monday, the Passover began.
Tuesday, the Pharisees plotted.
Thursday, Jesus is arrested.
Friday, He hangs.
Saturday, He rescues.
Sunday, He rises.
But Wednesday, what happened on Wednesday?
Jesus knew what was to come, and yet, there is no record of this part of Holy Week.
Ann Voskamp writes about it here.
Be still
Stop trying to achieve great things
Receive grace.
Today, my wall came down. I feel like this huge burden has been lifted. I still have the exact same number of things to do and the same concerns, but they aren't in control of me right now.
Be still, my soul.
Monday, the Passover began.
Tuesday, the Pharisees plotted.
Thursday, Jesus is arrested.
Friday, He hangs.
Saturday, He rescues.
Sunday, He rises.
But Wednesday, what happened on Wednesday?
Jesus knew what was to come, and yet, there is no record of this part of Holy Week.
Ann Voskamp writes about it here.
Be still
Stop trying to achieve great things
Receive grace.
Today, my wall came down. I feel like this huge burden has been lifted. I still have the exact same number of things to do and the same concerns, but they aren't in control of me right now.
Be still, my soul.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Marriage and Morality
I have an interesting blend of perspectives represented in my blog readership, so this is going to be a fun post.
Just in case you've been hiding under a rock, throngs of people are gathered today and tomorrow in DC as the Supreme Court hears testimony regarding the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8. People across the US are supporting marriage equality, even if only by changing their profile picture on facebook.
I was scrolling through my newsfeed, and saw a link to an article with the 60 best signs from the rally today.
This one caught my eye, because it's something I've been thinking about lately:
Maybe I've been hanging out too hard with my thesis, or ethics class, or certain great people, but the legal case against gay marriage kind of blows. I think we're kidding ourselves if we think it's strong. The issue then comes down to a specific code of morality. Sometimes we have to legislate morality, for example, murder. But I don't think all kinds of morality can be legislated, especially when they have no distinct, compelling universal necessity to them.
I like this sign a whole lot, actually, because divorce is a serious issue both in our society and in the Bible. And it has already been proven to have the possibility of significant ramifications for those whose parents divorce. But if our case against gay marriage is biblical, the biblical case against divorce is even greater. This weekend, my friend Christina said something very poignant about divorce. She said, "If marriage is the gospel, that means you don't quit. You don't stop pursuing". The beauty of the sanctity of marriage rests in the fact that it is a metaphor revealed in the book of Hosea, as well as Isaiah and Revelation for God's great love for us in Christ. Divorce, then, stains the glory of the gospel in our world.
That being said, there aren't serious legal grounds against divorce. If there were, half of this country would be in a pretty crazy limbo right now.
The biblical standard isn't about marriage, it's about purity. Purity is about sanctification. It's about holiness. And it's personal. The Lord convicts each of us differently, and some people never at all. It's a sad truth. If the Supreme Court were debating the legality of divorce right now, that would be insane. Or let's extrapolate further - what if they were debating the legality of premarital sex? Really? Not only would that be impossible to regulate, but it would blatantly undermine the standard for freedom and personal choice we've established in this country.
There are a lot of things I believe go against God's standards, which come from my belief that the Bible is active, inspired, and my base for morality. I don't advocate on their behalf, or necessarily encourage them, but I also don't campaign for them to be illegal. Do you know what I do, do about them though?
I just don't do them.
It's not my business. It's between each individual and God. I am not here to judge, that's simply not my job.
Just in case you've been hiding under a rock, throngs of people are gathered today and tomorrow in DC as the Supreme Court hears testimony regarding the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8. People across the US are supporting marriage equality, even if only by changing their profile picture on facebook.
I was scrolling through my newsfeed, and saw a link to an article with the 60 best signs from the rally today.
This one caught my eye, because it's something I've been thinking about lately:
Maybe I've been hanging out too hard with my thesis, or ethics class, or certain great people, but the legal case against gay marriage kind of blows. I think we're kidding ourselves if we think it's strong. The issue then comes down to a specific code of morality. Sometimes we have to legislate morality, for example, murder. But I don't think all kinds of morality can be legislated, especially when they have no distinct, compelling universal necessity to them.
I like this sign a whole lot, actually, because divorce is a serious issue both in our society and in the Bible. And it has already been proven to have the possibility of significant ramifications for those whose parents divorce. But if our case against gay marriage is biblical, the biblical case against divorce is even greater. This weekend, my friend Christina said something very poignant about divorce. She said, "If marriage is the gospel, that means you don't quit. You don't stop pursuing". The beauty of the sanctity of marriage rests in the fact that it is a metaphor revealed in the book of Hosea, as well as Isaiah and Revelation for God's great love for us in Christ. Divorce, then, stains the glory of the gospel in our world.
That being said, there aren't serious legal grounds against divorce. If there were, half of this country would be in a pretty crazy limbo right now.
The biblical standard isn't about marriage, it's about purity. Purity is about sanctification. It's about holiness. And it's personal. The Lord convicts each of us differently, and some people never at all. It's a sad truth. If the Supreme Court were debating the legality of divorce right now, that would be insane. Or let's extrapolate further - what if they were debating the legality of premarital sex? Really? Not only would that be impossible to regulate, but it would blatantly undermine the standard for freedom and personal choice we've established in this country.
There are a lot of things I believe go against God's standards, which come from my belief that the Bible is active, inspired, and my base for morality. I don't advocate on their behalf, or necessarily encourage them, but I also don't campaign for them to be illegal. Do you know what I do, do about them though?
I just don't do them.
It's not my business. It's between each individual and God. I am not here to judge, that's simply not my job.
The Wall
I am exhausted. I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I am not sleeping enough or eating all that great and track is hard and I'm excited and pensive and sad and a little scared and my classes don't matter but I still have to do them and my thesis is hard and my compulsion makes it harder. Spiritually, I am actually doing quite well, however. Happy Holy Week!
In any event, I constantly feel like I'm behind, even though I'm not. I had finally given up being anxious and stressed, and then I grew anxious about not being anxious. Betsy has kept me from sitting under a table in the library, but every hour has been a struggle.
For those of you not familiar with distance running, in the 26.2-mile marathon, there is a phenomenon called the wall. This happens at about mile 20. You are clearly a pretty capable runner to have made it that far, and comparatively, you really don't have that much further to go. But in that moment, the finish seems impossibly far away and every step takes everything you have.
That is how I feel right now. I am almost done. The end is in sight. But I still have to get there and sometimes I just don't want to do what it takes.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Indeed I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6
I think one of the hardest things right now is putting the Biblical truths I know into practice. Because even if these are my pleasants, I still want to sleep but I have things to do.
Ok I'm done whining now.
Here's the playlist I've been finding solace in
In any event, I constantly feel like I'm behind, even though I'm not. I had finally given up being anxious and stressed, and then I grew anxious about not being anxious. Betsy has kept me from sitting under a table in the library, but every hour has been a struggle.
For those of you not familiar with distance running, in the 26.2-mile marathon, there is a phenomenon called the wall. This happens at about mile 20. You are clearly a pretty capable runner to have made it that far, and comparatively, you really don't have that much further to go. But in that moment, the finish seems impossibly far away and every step takes everything you have.
That is how I feel right now. I am almost done. The end is in sight. But I still have to get there and sometimes I just don't want to do what it takes.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Indeed I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6
I think one of the hardest things right now is putting the Biblical truths I know into practice. Because even if these are my pleasants, I still want to sleep but I have things to do.
Ok I'm done whining now.
Here's the playlist I've been finding solace in
Monday, March 25, 2013
Quote
"Believers in Christ are supposed to know how to find real empathy for those who are going through things we can never understand" Andrew Marin
I like this quote. I've had it saved in a draft for a long time in the hopes that I'd eventually say something else about it, but I can't seem to string my thoughts into words, so I'll just leave it as is.
I like this quote. I've had it saved in a draft for a long time in the hopes that I'd eventually say something else about it, but I can't seem to string my thoughts into words, so I'll just leave it as is.
Sin and Narnia
Thank you all for bearing with me during my week off! I had a wonderful time with my various visitors, and each one blessed in me in a unique way.
I have been reading and journaling through it all, but I don't know how many of those thoughts will be translated into blog posts.
One day, the Chronicles of Narnia books were all $1.99 on kindle. I've read them all, and I've never been particularly fond of them, but I was just feeling this urge to read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe one more time. I have been captivated like none other.
Consider this quote,
"'Well,' said Lucy rather slowly (for she wanted to be truthful and yet not be too hard on him), 'well, that was pretty bad. But you're so sorry for it that I'm sure you will never do it again'.
'Daughter of Eve, don't you understand?' said the Faun. 'It isn't something I have done. I'm doing it now'"
I found this to be a terribly poignant way of discussing our old nature and the manifestation of sin in the life of the Christian. How can we be genuinely repentant and yet continue to sin, even clothed in Christ's righteousness? Although the Faun indeed has not committed the act he described, this idea could be extrapolated to mean that "It isn't just something I've done, I'm doing it now as well". Salvation is a one-time gift, but sanctification is a life-long process.
Consider further Edmund and the Lady, also known as the White Witch. She enticed him with Turkish Delight and promised him powers in her kingdom. Doesn't that sound familiar. Upon realizing with whom he had ben dealing, Edmund thinks to himself,
"when he heard that the Lady he had made friends with was a dangerous witch he felt even more uncomfortable. But he still wanted to taste that Turkish Delight again more than he wanted anything else"
Conviction of sin can be powerful. And yet, once we know we are actually dealing with Satan, we may still choose pleasure over holiness.
O Lord, please help our unbelief!
I have been reading and journaling through it all, but I don't know how many of those thoughts will be translated into blog posts.
One day, the Chronicles of Narnia books were all $1.99 on kindle. I've read them all, and I've never been particularly fond of them, but I was just feeling this urge to read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe one more time. I have been captivated like none other.
Consider this quote,
"'Well,' said Lucy rather slowly (for she wanted to be truthful and yet not be too hard on him), 'well, that was pretty bad. But you're so sorry for it that I'm sure you will never do it again'.
'Daughter of Eve, don't you understand?' said the Faun. 'It isn't something I have done. I'm doing it now'"
I found this to be a terribly poignant way of discussing our old nature and the manifestation of sin in the life of the Christian. How can we be genuinely repentant and yet continue to sin, even clothed in Christ's righteousness? Although the Faun indeed has not committed the act he described, this idea could be extrapolated to mean that "It isn't just something I've done, I'm doing it now as well". Salvation is a one-time gift, but sanctification is a life-long process.
Consider further Edmund and the Lady, also known as the White Witch. She enticed him with Turkish Delight and promised him powers in her kingdom. Doesn't that sound familiar. Upon realizing with whom he had ben dealing, Edmund thinks to himself,
"when he heard that the Lady he had made friends with was a dangerous witch he felt even more uncomfortable. But he still wanted to taste that Turkish Delight again more than he wanted anything else"
Conviction of sin can be powerful. And yet, once we know we are actually dealing with Satan, we may still choose pleasure over holiness.
O Lord, please help our unbelief!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
CRAZY
It's official, I am insane
Remember how busy I told you I was?
Well, I decided to have two visitors this week. Visitors who aren't going to want to watch me study for eight hours a day.
So after church and rehearsal and a flurry of phone calls, I got a triple Americano. I'm cramming a week's worth of work to do into today and tomorrow. That sounds like a good idea right?
But I'm also REALLY REALLY REALLY excited! So that's great motivation.
Remember how busy I told you I was?
Well, I decided to have two visitors this week. Visitors who aren't going to want to watch me study for eight hours a day.
So after church and rehearsal and a flurry of phone calls, I got a triple Americano. I'm cramming a week's worth of work to do into today and tomorrow. That sounds like a good idea right?
But I'm also REALLY REALLY REALLY excited! So that's great motivation.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Lean Into the Ugly
Lean into the ugly
Whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty
Give thanks for all things
At all times
Because He is all good
Ann Voskamp's words, my structure
Yesterday there was a lot of ugly. I lost myself in it. I worked myself up and perpetuated unnecessary anxiety. It was unfounded, and I almost feel like I need to apologize to pretty much anyone I came into contact with yesterday. So many thanks to Camilla, Floyd, Alex, Natalie, and especially Betsy for reminding me, in their own ways, that the lines are falling for me in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6).
But my reaction to ugly isn't to lean in; it's to make it go away. I run from it, and it pursues. It overwhelms. It makes more ugly.
But what if?
What if I could whisper thanks?
What if could be brave enough to press into the ugly moments and turn them around?
This may look ugly, but God says these are my pleasants and that my inheritance is beautiful.
Not ugly.
Beautiful.
Whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty
Give thanks for all things
At all times
Because He is all good
Ann Voskamp's words, my structure
Yesterday there was a lot of ugly. I lost myself in it. I worked myself up and perpetuated unnecessary anxiety. It was unfounded, and I almost feel like I need to apologize to pretty much anyone I came into contact with yesterday. So many thanks to Camilla, Floyd, Alex, Natalie, and especially Betsy for reminding me, in their own ways, that the lines are falling for me in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6).
But my reaction to ugly isn't to lean in; it's to make it go away. I run from it, and it pursues. It overwhelms. It makes more ugly.
But what if?
What if I could whisper thanks?
What if could be brave enough to press into the ugly moments and turn them around?
This may look ugly, but God says these are my pleasants and that my inheritance is beautiful.
Not ugly.
Beautiful.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Stress Eating and a Sanity Manifesto
This is exactly what they look for as warning signs for how people became obese when they're on the Biggest Loser. I love the Biggest Loser, but I also love stress eating. It is currently not a big deal because I am 21 and I also run a whole lot. And I call it stress eating when I eat a quinoa salad and then cookies and coffee so it's not like I'm eating a whole pizza or anything like that.
Anyway, this is why I'm stress eating:
Beth paper
Matt paper
Debate
Thesis
Thesis
Thesis
Symposium
Easter service order
Easer service participants
Palm Sunday worship team
Choir rehearsals
Worship team rehearsals
Practicing the guitar parts
Looking for a job
Maggie told me to just start telling people I'm going to vomit if they ask me to do anything else. Then she made me laugh when she started talking about how funny of a word vomit is.
Something I realized today is that if I don't find some way to live intentionally positively about the next seven weeks, I am going to be fairly unpleasant to be around, and I'd just rather not act like that and make everyone else feel stressed and have to listen to me whine all day.
I will give the Lord the first and best of my life, and not neglect Him no matter how busy I feel (Psalm 119:10, Proverbs 3:9).
I will ask someone how their day is going before talking about mine, and really care about her answer.
I will take 15 minutes between class/studying and practice to pause and just be.
Every day, I will be thankful for one thing that I accomplished.
I am going to count blessings every hour, on the hour. I will give thanks for all things at all times for the Lord is all good, and I need Him and His grace every hour (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
I am not going to talk about jobs or graduation or anything related to that at practice.
My goal is to recognize the graces in my life and to remember that I am living in God's will.
I will fail and I will get upset but I want to try. Try to be a little bit more thankful, a little bit better.
Anyway, this is why I'm stress eating:
Beth paper
Matt paper
Debate
Thesis
Thesis
Thesis
Symposium
Easter service order
Easer service participants
Palm Sunday worship team
Choir rehearsals
Worship team rehearsals
Practicing the guitar parts
Looking for a job
Maggie told me to just start telling people I'm going to vomit if they ask me to do anything else. Then she made me laugh when she started talking about how funny of a word vomit is.
Something I realized today is that if I don't find some way to live intentionally positively about the next seven weeks, I am going to be fairly unpleasant to be around, and I'd just rather not act like that and make everyone else feel stressed and have to listen to me whine all day.
I will give the Lord the first and best of my life, and not neglect Him no matter how busy I feel (Psalm 119:10, Proverbs 3:9).
I will ask someone how their day is going before talking about mine, and really care about her answer.
I will take 15 minutes between class/studying and practice to pause and just be.
Every day, I will be thankful for one thing that I accomplished.
I am going to count blessings every hour, on the hour. I will give thanks for all things at all times for the Lord is all good, and I need Him and His grace every hour (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
I am not going to talk about jobs or graduation or anything related to that at practice.
My goal is to recognize the graces in my life and to remember that I am living in God's will.
I will fail and I will get upset but I want to try. Try to be a little bit more thankful, a little bit better.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Sabbath Editing
Although I have always valued my homework-free Sundays, and they have served me well, I am currently (taking a break from) editing my thesis. I debated about this for a long time because this is the first time I have done Sunday homework at Beloit College. But here's why I went for it:
1) Sabbath is a GIFT. It is a commandment, but it also a grace given from God. It's not meant to be a rule on which we depend.
2) If I can't break a standard that I have set up for myself, it's a pretty good sign it's probably an idol or a source of religious, spiritual pride.
3) I technically could have finished this tomorrow morning instead, but it would be less stressful to do it now.
4) If I do it tonight instead of tomorrow, I can have a restful Monday morning and get my week started off right.
5) If I waited until tomorrow, I would be stressed about it tonight and not able to truly enjoy the Lord's rest.
6) I have been blessed with a lot of great rest and time in the word and prayer and fellowship over this break
So there you have it.
Someone should bring me some mac n cheese. That sounds so good right now.
1) Sabbath is a GIFT. It is a commandment, but it also a grace given from God. It's not meant to be a rule on which we depend.
2) If I can't break a standard that I have set up for myself, it's a pretty good sign it's probably an idol or a source of religious, spiritual pride.
3) I technically could have finished this tomorrow morning instead, but it would be less stressful to do it now.
4) If I do it tonight instead of tomorrow, I can have a restful Monday morning and get my week started off right.
5) If I waited until tomorrow, I would be stressed about it tonight and not able to truly enjoy the Lord's rest.
6) I have been blessed with a lot of great rest and time in the word and prayer and fellowship over this break
So there you have it.
Someone should bring me some mac n cheese. That sounds so good right now.
Running
I've had my computer off and in a drawer for most of spring break. I promise I've been thinking about things but I just don't feel like blog posting them right now.
So instead I'll tell you about the run I went on today. Because it is the greatest thing I have accomplished in my collegiate sports career. Better than running cross country regionals, better than placing at conference. I could no height the rest of the season and I will be GLOWING because of today. This post will be boring and pointless to 98% of people. But I don't care.
Today, I got home from church (after a few minor stops with Lily) and I ate some brunch. I probably wasn't that prepared for this run, but you know what, that's ok.
I left brunch and it was raining, and pretty cold. This made me reconsider this whole running thing, because I had this goal of doing a long run called airport.
Airport is the longest of three running options that we sometimes have. The shortest is called pig farm, for hopefully obvious reasons. The middle is called mini airport and the longest one is called airport. They all finish on the same road, which conveniently takes you right back to campus. In my years of running at Beloit, I have never managed to make it all the way out to airport. Today was to be the day.
So it was raining, but I decided to suck it up and go for it anyway. At least I wore my baseball hat.
I wore my watch, but I didn't time myself because I didn't want to give myself the option of quitting, and if I knew how long I'd been running, I might just give myself permission to turn around ( I expected it to take between 90 minutes and 2 hours). No, this was going to happen.
Now you might be wondering how to not be miserable on this wet freezing run. Good question.
I listened to hymns for a long time. My pace was good, and I didn't walk at all. I actually kept telling myself to slow down for awhile because I didn't want to get tired out but eventually I just let myself go.
When I finally hit Colley Road, it was time for the packing play list. I call it that, but really it's what I listen to before track meets and on the treadmill. And when I pack. It's really weird. Don't judge me.
There was one point when I was basically frozen solid and my clothes were stuck to my skin and I just suddenly got really tired, and if it hadn't been raining I probably would have just laid down on the road. But thankfully, it was soaking wet and there were tons of puddles so my best option was to keep running. I got faster the closer I got to campus, which is technically what you're supposed to do on a long run but I never really do. And then I barely stepped into my room and my clothes were off and I was in the shower.
Showering after freezing rain runs is really strange because it takes me at least 5 minutes to figure out the water temperature, and to actually feel it.
I drank coffee, which I'm sure is not something you're supposed to do right after a run and eventually drank some water and ate an orange. I plan on doing nothing the rest of the day.
I remember talking with some non-runners once and they said, "I don't know how you guys have energy for that" And we said, "Oh, we just don't have energy for anything else. Like walking upstairs"
Also, I'm not even all the way unpacked from spring break 1 (Boston). I wonder how long I can go. I didn't unpack from Senegal all the way until 7 months after I got back....
Running is hard. But occasionally, it's worth it.
So instead I'll tell you about the run I went on today. Because it is the greatest thing I have accomplished in my collegiate sports career. Better than running cross country regionals, better than placing at conference. I could no height the rest of the season and I will be GLOWING because of today. This post will be boring and pointless to 98% of people. But I don't care.
Today, I got home from church (after a few minor stops with Lily) and I ate some brunch. I probably wasn't that prepared for this run, but you know what, that's ok.
I left brunch and it was raining, and pretty cold. This made me reconsider this whole running thing, because I had this goal of doing a long run called airport.
Airport is the longest of three running options that we sometimes have. The shortest is called pig farm, for hopefully obvious reasons. The middle is called mini airport and the longest one is called airport. They all finish on the same road, which conveniently takes you right back to campus. In my years of running at Beloit, I have never managed to make it all the way out to airport. Today was to be the day.
So it was raining, but I decided to suck it up and go for it anyway. At least I wore my baseball hat.
I wore my watch, but I didn't time myself because I didn't want to give myself the option of quitting, and if I knew how long I'd been running, I might just give myself permission to turn around ( I expected it to take between 90 minutes and 2 hours). No, this was going to happen.
Now you might be wondering how to not be miserable on this wet freezing run. Good question.
I listened to hymns for a long time. My pace was good, and I didn't walk at all. I actually kept telling myself to slow down for awhile because I didn't want to get tired out but eventually I just let myself go.
When I finally hit Colley Road, it was time for the packing play list. I call it that, but really it's what I listen to before track meets and on the treadmill. And when I pack. It's really weird. Don't judge me.
There was one point when I was basically frozen solid and my clothes were stuck to my skin and I just suddenly got really tired, and if it hadn't been raining I probably would have just laid down on the road. But thankfully, it was soaking wet and there were tons of puddles so my best option was to keep running. I got faster the closer I got to campus, which is technically what you're supposed to do on a long run but I never really do. And then I barely stepped into my room and my clothes were off and I was in the shower.
Showering after freezing rain runs is really strange because it takes me at least 5 minutes to figure out the water temperature, and to actually feel it.
I drank coffee, which I'm sure is not something you're supposed to do right after a run and eventually drank some water and ate an orange. I plan on doing nothing the rest of the day.
I remember talking with some non-runners once and they said, "I don't know how you guys have energy for that" And we said, "Oh, we just don't have energy for anything else. Like walking upstairs"
Also, I'm not even all the way unpacked from spring break 1 (Boston). I wonder how long I can go. I didn't unpack from Senegal all the way until 7 months after I got back....
Running is hard. But occasionally, it's worth it.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Learning to Love Without Ifs, Buts, or Whens
Every journal I start begins with a verse, and a short prayer that express how I feel God wants to grow me at that time. As I shared earlier, the verse I got was Song of Solomon 8:7, many waters cannot quench love... I'm writing a whole thesis on what it really means to love your neighbor, so this is definitely the time for me to be learning about love. I'm calling to mind that week in mid-November when we all sat and prayed and Victoria had a word for me about plunging deeper into the study of what love is.
Yesterday, after a morning spent traipsing around Boston and staring history in the face, I was ready for some reflection. It had been a long, wonderful weekend, but I needed more time. I counted blessings in my journal, nearly two hundred of them since Saturday. And then I remembered an incident from less than an hour earlier.
I was trying to consolidate mine and Betsy's belongings so as to make them easier to carry around, as we had to check out of our hotel and she was at her interview. As I repacked things, I was going to send her a note - I love you, but your packing style is messy.
I didn't say that, because before I could, it hit me:
I love you, but
That's a condition.
I wrote in my journal, Is my love really so superficially conditional? That I will love only when it is neat, tidy, convenient, easy? Surely that is not that love I've been shown in Christ! And is He not my example? O Lord, help my unbelief! Help my failure to love! If I cannot truly love a friend, how can I love an enemy, or a stranger? O to grace!
I'd like to think I'm better than that, that this was maybe just one incident that doesn't matter that much. But as I searched my heart, I saw the same pattern, repeated over and over again, if not in my words, certainly in my thoughts, attitudes and actions.
I love them if I have time
I love them, but not this quality
I love them when it's easy
I love them if they will love me back
I love them, but not right now
I love them when they're like me
I love them if they have something to offer me
I love them, but I don't know how to be there
I love them when it makes sense to me
Ifs, buts and whens
Agape - the love I've been shown, the love presented as my example to follow in Christ - has no room for that
Unconditional, which means no conditions, no definitions of who is worthy of love, no limits, absolute, which means "not dependent on external conditions, complete"
Familiar words roll off my tongue
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice and wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
I like loving when its my way.
But that's not really love.
I am irritated, I resent.
But that's not love.
I like loving when the burden is light.
But that's not love.
Love bears all.
Yesterday, after a morning spent traipsing around Boston and staring history in the face, I was ready for some reflection. It had been a long, wonderful weekend, but I needed more time. I counted blessings in my journal, nearly two hundred of them since Saturday. And then I remembered an incident from less than an hour earlier.
I was trying to consolidate mine and Betsy's belongings so as to make them easier to carry around, as we had to check out of our hotel and she was at her interview. As I repacked things, I was going to send her a note - I love you, but your packing style is messy.
I didn't say that, because before I could, it hit me:
I love you, but
That's a condition.
I wrote in my journal, Is my love really so superficially conditional? That I will love only when it is neat, tidy, convenient, easy? Surely that is not that love I've been shown in Christ! And is He not my example? O Lord, help my unbelief! Help my failure to love! If I cannot truly love a friend, how can I love an enemy, or a stranger? O to grace!
I'd like to think I'm better than that, that this was maybe just one incident that doesn't matter that much. But as I searched my heart, I saw the same pattern, repeated over and over again, if not in my words, certainly in my thoughts, attitudes and actions.
I love them if I have time
I love them, but not this quality
I love them when it's easy
I love them if they will love me back
I love them, but not right now
I love them when they're like me
I love them if they have something to offer me
I love them, but I don't know how to be there
I love them when it makes sense to me
Ifs, buts and whens
Agape - the love I've been shown, the love presented as my example to follow in Christ - has no room for that
It is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional.
Unconditional, which means no conditions, no definitions of who is worthy of love, no limits, absolute, which means "not dependent on external conditions, complete"
Familiar words roll off my tongue
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice and wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
I like loving when its my way.
But that's not really love.
I am irritated, I resent.
But that's not love.
I like loving when the burden is light.
But that's not love.
Love bears all.
Spring Break Haikus
I'm too tired to write everything out, so I'm going to go ahead and write you a haiku a day
Saturday
Arrived in Boston
Brian Kimball took us home
His family rocks
Sunday
Small town church service
Celebration of Em'ly
What a huge blessing
Monday
Hampton beach, Boston
Cotton candy with pop rocks
Amazing Race wynn
Tuesday
History and ducks
Bath of green tea lemonade
Not impressed with snow
Saturday
Arrived in Boston
Brian Kimball took us home
His family rocks
Sunday
Small town church service
Celebration of Em'ly
What a huge blessing
Monday
Hampton beach, Boston
Cotton candy with pop rocks
Amazing Race wynn
Tuesday
History and ducks
Bath of green tea lemonade
Not impressed with snow
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Taking Off
This morning I woke up too early and went to Nikki's to start my new journal. The verse I have for this season is Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be despised.
I'm really excited for this next part of life's journey...hopefully this journal will include me getting a job.
And in just a few short hours we'll be taking off for Boston/New Hampshire. How cool! I was packing last night, and I really love short trips like this. They're so relaxed. Well mostly I just like going on trips where I don't need my computer. I think it would be fun to travel regularly.
In any event, I'll talk to you Wednesday.
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be despised.
I'm really excited for this next part of life's journey...hopefully this journal will include me getting a job.
And in just a few short hours we'll be taking off for Boston/New Hampshire. How cool! I was packing last night, and I really love short trips like this. They're so relaxed. Well mostly I just like going on trips where I don't need my computer. I think it would be fun to travel regularly.
 |
| All packed and ready to go |
In any event, I'll talk to you Wednesday.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Results Are In
Betsy and I just found out we didn't get the speech. But big thanks to all of you who described us, listened to us endlessly talk about it, didn't get mad when we practiced on the bus while we were watching a movie, and gave us your overall support. We will be presenting it to the track team for another very special occasion. Turtles fly together.
We actually feel really good. For all the weird kinds of stress that went into this project (mostly today as we anticipated the email), it doesn't feel disappointing. I don't know exactly how Betsy feels, but I didn't feel sad or upset or anything. In fact, other people have been more upset about it than we have, proving that if it had been a popularity contest, we would have nailed it ;)
We had a great time writing the speech and talking about why Beloit has been meaningful to us. I think it would actually be cool if there were a commencement speech writing class or something (like a 1/4 credit first module spring semester or maybe second mod first semester), because it was a really good exercise in reflection, speech writing, and giving.
Not to mention the fact that it was something we did together, a combined effort. That feels good too.
Now, to focus on spring break!
(also, maybe this is too much information, but after all the pressure on what to wear, I found out when I was just out of the shower. yup)
We actually feel really good. For all the weird kinds of stress that went into this project (mostly today as we anticipated the email), it doesn't feel disappointing. I don't know exactly how Betsy feels, but I didn't feel sad or upset or anything. In fact, other people have been more upset about it than we have, proving that if it had been a popularity contest, we would have nailed it ;)
We had a great time writing the speech and talking about why Beloit has been meaningful to us. I think it would actually be cool if there were a commencement speech writing class or something (like a 1/4 credit first module spring semester or maybe second mod first semester), because it was a really good exercise in reflection, speech writing, and giving.
Not to mention the fact that it was something we did together, a combined effort. That feels good too.
Now, to focus on spring break!
(also, maybe this is too much information, but after all the pressure on what to wear, I found out when I was just out of the shower. yup)
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