Letting Myself Be

My current journal's cover reads:

She didn't have to be perfect because she was perfectly loved {1 John 4:8} 

I picked it because that's something that I finally feel like I'm learning. I spent high school as the thin, blonde, cheerleader/gymnast, teacher's pet. I think quitting gymnastics was what jump started a lot of my spiritual growth. I started to learn that who I am isn't what I do; my entire identity is in Christ. I learned that my life isn't going to be over if I'm not a size 0 anymore. I started running cross country, and I am not good at that sport, trust me. I took some really out of my box courses and realized that I don't have to have a 4.0 GPA. I slipped when I wasn't good at pole vaulting anymore, like I used to be. I was frustrated. I stayed frustrated for a year. And then, I went on a year long journey. I went to another country, where I had to learn that I would not be ostracized for making a language error, and that I could get back home even if I did pay too much or take the wrong bus. I learned that listening can be more important than being right. I'm learning that I don't have to be the glue holding everyone together. I'm learning that I don't have to vault my high school best in order to have a successful day.

It's been a long process, but I'm learning that I don't always have to be the best. I don't have to be right or know what I'm doing. I don't have to take my world so seriously.

It might sound crazy, but I think that cutting and dying my hair were actually really big steps that I needed to take in order to "complete" a certain phase of this lesson (I put quotation marks around complete because I doubt I'll ever really be finished). When I became a brunette, whatever part of me was still holding on to the perfect, perky blonde cheerleader had to fade away.

I've had to give myself permission to be wrong, to ask for help, to come in last place, to mess up, to say the wrong thing, to admit that I don't know, and to say I can't.

I have had to allow myself to say things like

Your ways are higher, Lord (Isaiah 55:9).

I don't know how, but this work will be brought to completion (Philippians 1:6). 

This may look bad, but You are working all things for my good (Romans 8:28). 

I am not perfect, but You are, and You are calling me to Your ways (Matthew 5:48). 

I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). 

You have loved me with an everlasting love, even while I was a sinner, Christ died for me (Jeremiah 31:3, Romans 5:8). 

You have yadda'ed (yadda is the Hebrew word here for "known", which means to know, to be known, and to be deeply respected) me from the beginning (Psalm 139). 

You are I AM (Exodus 3:14). 

I have had to let myself be.