Do Not Fear

This post is really for me; I don't know if anyone will get anything out of it or not, but it's something I have to write.

Today was an extremely long day. I only slept a few hours after having been up for 22, so already my mental state was not so strong. Add to that a disturbing video (Crash) without any debriefing and anyone would be exhausted. But I had to go pole vault, and I was going to be doing my full approach for the first time since May at conference. At that meet, I had one of my most terrifying pole vault accidents of all time, that brought me spinning uncontrollably through the air until my helmet hit the track - I had missed the mats completely. This would be traumatic enough, but just a few hours later a fellow competitor had a similar accident that ended up being fatal. A few days later when I was safe at home, I received a phone call that told me he had passed away. Today is the day I realized I'd never dealt with the impact this had on me.

Even though I knew I'd be ok - for every accident I've had, I've done two thousand normal vaults - the second I moved back on the runway it was like being there all over again. I was spinning through the air, unaware of where I was. I saw him on the ground, seizing. I was back at the hotel, praying for acceptance, comfort, and healing. And I was sitting in my room, listening to the words without really understanding what they meant, "Kate, he didn't make it". I would take two steps and pull off, my body trembling under the weight of fear. Even right now, I close my eyes and that's all I can see - the blue, blue sky as I laid in a crumpled mess on the track, the body being held down and rushed to the hospital under that same blue, blue sky.

I asked God to show me what I was supposed to learn, to make me understand. I recalled what Isaiah 41 says:

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid. For I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. For I, the Lord your God, hold your hand and say to you: Do not fear (v.10, 13).

The very fact that God says "do not fear" tells me that He knows my first instinct is to do just that. But my Dad is telling me He's going to take care of me. He never says that I will do anything. He says that He will help; He will hold my hand.

For so long, I've been praying for God to change me, to break me down until I can't move without Him, to make me in the image of His Son Jesus Christ. I have seen Him changing me, but this was a big step. It's so wonderful to have a God who answers prayer and takes my pleas so seriously, but it's also incredibly challenging. He's God! Nothing is too much for Him! Though I was so aware and sure of what I was asking for, and that the Lord would hear me, I find myself unprepared to deal with the answers. But maybe that was the point. Maybe God has to take me further than I think I'm ready to go. He knocked me down much more than I realized I wanted, because He needs me to be nothing; He needs to transform me from the ground up.

Even Christ, who was equal with God, became one of us, a bunch of people with not a whole lot going for us. But unlike us, Jesus did it right. He wasn't afraid. He reached for God when God reached for Him. He submitted Himself to His Father's sovereignty. And that's how it should be. When we have nothing, God should be enough. I don't have the will or the strength or the courage to go off and do this on my own, to be my own person and soar to new heights. But the Lord has all of that in their most pure definitions. And I am His.



God, You are so so so good. You know me so much better than I could ever know myself. You knew exactly what I needed and how broken I needed to be. I thank You for meeting me here, at this point where I am stuck without You. It is by the grace of Your hand that I can move forward. I thank You for Jesus, for by His wounds I am healed and made new. He tore the veil of sin that separated me from You. It is in His blood that I reach out to You and am given the privilege to walk by Your side. I can't get over the love You felt to do that, and how badly You want to lead me and make me the person You've always wanted me to be. I am ready, Father. Not by my strength or my might, but by Your Spirit, grace, and truth. I will take each step acknowledging that I have absolutely no power and that I am walking solely in You. It's in Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Look, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too difficult for Me? Jeremiah 32:27

Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.' Isaiah 41:10, 13 (The Message)