Going and Coming and Going

This post is in two parts that are loosely related

Part 1

I loved graduating on mother's day. I thought it was really cool to be able to celebrate everything my mom has done to get me here.

I have had the privilege to be at four Beloit College commencements, this last one of course being my own. At the first three, I cried. At my own, I did not. I did not say goodbye to friends, but see you later. I laughed and smiled and enjoyed my day a whole lot. I don't think it's caught up to me yet. I will probably cry later, but right now, it is just a great day to be a Beloiter.

I'm sitting at home in Waukesha just about 6 hours after I walked across the stage. I'm wearing sweatpants and watching Harry Potter and not even thinking about unpacking. This week was really busy, really exhausting, and really everything it should have been.

I made a list of all the things I need to do in the next few weeks. It's a lot. A lot a lot a lot. Things I've never done before and am not sure I know how to do, but I'm sure I will figure it out. I didn't know how to apply for college or get an internship or acquire a passport or write a resume or land a job but somehow I did anyway.

I am going to take at least one day off. I need that. But then, I go from one home to another to another.

It's still very unreal that I have left Beloit. That I am leaving Waukesha. And I will be arriving in Seattle. I know I can do this. And I want to, and I'm excited, but Beloit really gave me a whole lot. I am thankful. So so very thankful.

Part 2

For all those who wondered about the ambiguous personal project that I spent so much time working on, its contents may now be revealed.

On January 20th, 2011, I made one of the best decisions of my life when I said yes to friendship with Betsy Wynn. And today, on our 844th day as friends, we graduated.

Back in January of this year, I was watching Betsy crochet at track practice as she supervised our pole vaulting. I thought, "wow, I just love her". And an idea was born: for every day between 1/20/11 and 5/12/13, I would write out 1 thing I loved about her.

I worked for the next four ish months coming up with the list. I wrote on corners of pages and made memos in my phone and type type typed into my computer. I reminisced. I read old journals and blog posts - hers and mine. I scrolled through facebook records. I combed through over two years of history. I looked at the person running by my side and sitting across from me in the library and next to me on the bus and sitting on the floor of my room. I had prints done of pictures. I bought a red leather-bound traveling sketchbook. I did math, perfectly spacing the pictures and loves and pages so that the whole book would be full. I used the "find" function to make sure I hadn't repeated (I had: mattress wrestling, weird things she puts in macaroni and cheese, enthusiasm, and sister love from the top of my head) and replaced them. I glued pictures and wrote loves. On the day of our last final, I wrote the introduction. The morning of graduation, I tucked an extra picture in the back pocket with a final note to close it out.

How I spent a good chunk of time, falling more in love with a beautiful and strong person with every minute

And even though we're going to hang out this week and this isn't really goodbye, I sat and watched her open this gift.

I saw her look at it curiously; the cover simply reads "844". This was on purpose. I wanted to preserve the surprise and the wonder as long as I could.

I saw her light up at the inside cover: "To Betsy. Love Kate. January 20th, 2011 - May 12th, 2013 - ???".

I watched her face change as she read the introduction, featuring a prime quote from Anne of Avonlea: "If we have friends we should look only for the best in them and give them the best that is in us, don't you think? Then friendship would be the most beautiful thing in the world".

I listened to her mom, "Did you really write in that whole book?!"

When she said she was excited to read it, I started flashing through what she was about to read:

18. The way you number lists of random things to tell me.

51. Your honesty

134. "I would hope I'd realize you were dead before death emergency alarm had to go off"

287. Your messy backpack

336. How you check the beds to make sure they're fun to jump on

432. That you daily challenge me to be better

536. The day you got a job!

611. When you ask me if I'm going to the library and you really mean, please come to the library with me

771. That you took human rights to be a more informed person

824. How much my sister likes you

841. Turning breakdowns into breakthroughs

This is easily one of the coolest and most rewarding gifts I have ever given. I love love, and this is definitely evidence of that.

To Betsy, I repeat myself in saying: thank you for being you, with me.

And to Beloit, I say thank you. I can't imagine what my list to you would look like.

The Beginning

On August 15th, 2009, I took a walk to the poetry garden and dedicated my time at Beloit. I prayed, thankful for the opportunities now at my finger tips, and asked for guidance on the road. I hung that prayer on every wall I've lived in since then.

At 17, I, like all of us, thought I had it all figured out. I had a plan for Beloit College.

But it turns out, Beloit College had a plan for me.

Tonight, May 11th, 2013, journal in hand, I walked to the garden, realizing that the walk felt long not because Maurer is so much further than 840, but because it was not four minutes but four years in the making.

I sit at 21 and I can't believe what has happened and how far I've strayed. And I still and I think and I remember that tomorrow, I begin. I commence.

I will wear a cap painted with a cherished verse that perfectly captures how I feel about the last four years:

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

Lord, I see that you have made my lines fall pleasantly. You have had your hand on me this whole time, and I see now that my inheritance could not be more beautiful. I thank you for life in Christ, the anchor of my soul; without it nothing else matters or is possible. After that, I would need to spend the rest of my life attempting to adequately thank you for this time. What a joy it has been to be constantly surprised by grace and love and light. What a wonder to twist and turn and walk off the beaten path. And what a privilege to see you in all I do and am becoming.

Lord, you have blessed me infinitely more than I deserve and I sit here with a slideshow of memories running through my brain. I look back at what were once called mistakes and questionable choices and see lines falling pleasantly. I see those pleasant lines in the hurt and the tears and the doubt and the anger. And I look at the immediately recognized blessings and I smile so big because you have made beauty abound and in the depths of my soul. I am not the same as when I came in; you are changing me still so that my eyes might see your fullness.

Lord, I want to know and love you more. I want to sink deeply into your fathomless grace and I want to be unceasingly grateful. Grateful for friends and parents and advisors and classes and conversations and internships and sports and jobs and lectures and papers and books and fellowship and church and the swing and Rock River and Turtle Creek and every little piece of beloitering. Remind me to be grateful, Father, because I have so many reasons for it.

God, thank you will never be enough but it's all I have, so that is what I do.

In Christ alone, Amen.

This evening is much colder than its August counterpart. But also much warmer. In August, I could not have known what was about to happen, the people I'd meet, or the places I'd go. I sit in May, and flowers have bloomed and seasons changed. Countless people and experiences and places and moments have changed me and made me love all that Beloit means.

I know that Beloit is small and only a tiny piece of this world. But it is my piece and I am forever grateful that it is a great day to be a Beloiter!

Darkness Not Dark

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.
Psalm 139:11-12 

This has been a weird week. Probably getting weirder this weekend. There's a lot going on in everyone's minds, and no one knows exactly what to do with it. 

Walked home in the rain last night. Well, walked partway before deciding to run (because as Dillon says, it's just faster ;) ) 

We sat on the floor of my room pouring out hearts and when I woke up this morning, I read Psalm 139 over and over again, cherishing the ways that God knows me and sticks with me. It doesn't matter what I do because he sets my ways before me. It's comforting and humbling and awe-inspiring to know that I can't do anything to make him go away. Even in the hardest places, he knows what he's doing; that's why the darkness isn't dark. 

For us, darkness is the absence of light. When we don't know and can't see and can't find a way out. But the Lord is light, and always knows.  

Sunset, Sunrise

From the rising of the sun to its setting,
    the name of the Lord is to be praised!
Psalm 113:3 

Last year, right before I left Senegal, Addie and I went for a beautiful sunrise walk through the city of Dakar. We knew each other before Senegal, but that trip really gave us a deep, lasting friendship that we could not have predicted. We walked far, and we talked about what we'd learned and how we'd grown, what we'd miss and what we were so unbelievably thankful for.

A few weeks ago, she suggested doing it again, here. I was struck by the perfection of this idea. 

Last night, I was reading in my room, on my bed, and I got up for some reason. I was taken aback by the beauty of the sunset. It was pink and purple and absolutely spectacular. I grabbed my guitar, and started to praise. 

I got stuck on a bridge, adding my own variations as I went on:

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high 

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high 

We lift Your cross, lift it high, lift it high 

Lord, lift Your cross, lift it high in my life 

Lift Your cross, lift it high in my life 

Lord, I lift Your cross, lift it high in my life

And on and on I went, in wonder and awe of the Lord and blessings and grace. 

Hours later, I woke up to excitement. I met Addie in the park between her house and campus. We walked and talked and remembered and sat and laughed and smiled and looked. We ate oatmeal and mangoes and loved. 

This is what this week should be. Beautiful. 

I Look After You

Last night, I went to "prom" with friends. I enjoyed hanging out with everyone; senior year is almost over. I even experienced my first fried chicken pizza with Jessica afterwards. While we were at prom, though, some girl I don't even know sees me and says (too loudly, clearly), "Why is Kate Finman here?"

I know she doesn't know me, and isn't my judge, but it really bothered me. I can go and enjoy my friends and my classmates if I want to. the gospel gives us a spirit of freedom, setting us free from our sin but also the judgments of others. When no one besides God is perfect, and everyone is on equal grounds - dependent on Him - only His standards matter. It's not about rules, it's about loving the Lord and being grateful for the gift of life, and the many gifts that flow out of it. The whole thing upsets me more the more I think about it.

I try to counter with what I know is true of God. That girl made me feel like I should be ashamed and that I don't belong, but there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. It's not fair that she gets to have an opinion on me, but John the Baptist and Jesus were judged in the same way. People said John had a demon because he didn't celebrate and drink and eat good food, but then they called Jesus a glutton and a drunkard because he did (Luke 7:32 - 34, paraphrase).

This is me, struggling through a feeble attempt to keep my New Year's resolution of not allowing other people to let me feel guilt and shame. I have to look up, at the cross, daily, and remember that grace has overwhelmed my brokenness and love has set me free.

I sit and read Hosea, the book I need to remind me of who I am to the Lord, and who He is to me, personally.

1:8 And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal. 

2:14-15 Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she will answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she same out of the land of Egypt. 

2:19 And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. 

6:3 Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth. 

11:4 I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them. 

11:7a My people are bent on turning away from me...

11:8b My heart recoils within me; my compassion grows warm and tender. 

13:5 It was  I who knew you in the wilderness, in the land of drought

The fact that God knows me gets me very time. And Genesis 16, too, when He is known as the God who sees me. He sees me and knows me and still He saves me and loves me. That's why things like last night sting: they whisper the same lie the serpent whispered, that God doesn't love me because of what I do or where I go. But nothing can ever make God stop because He already knows. He yaddas. He sees.

And that's why He says,

14:4 I will heal their apostasy; I will love them freely, for my anger has turned from them. 

14:7 They shall return and dwell beneath my shadow; they shall flourish like the grain; they shall blossom like the grain; they shall blossom like the vine; their fame shall be like the wine of Lebanon. 

from 14:8 ...It is I who answer and look after you...

More Joy

You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound Psalm 4:7

For how great is his goodness, and how great his beauty! Grain shall make the young men flourish, and new wine the young women. Zechariah 9:17 

Every semester, I get together a number of verses to hang on my wall that I want to internalize and keep coming back to over that season. The two verses above were the most contradictory seeming pair of the 14. The first verse undermines what the second verse seems to encourage. Reconciling the two, however, gives such a deep picture of joy and fulfillment.

God is good.

God is beautiful.

Grain flourishes.

Wine flourishes.

God gives more joy.

More joy.

As much as the young men flourish from grain, and women from new wine, the joy that the Lord gives is more.

I like that Psalm 4 isn't about rules. It doesn't condemn drinking or make our joy dependent on anything we do or don't do. It's about what God gives us, and so much of that is the freedom to truly enjoy His presence.

He gives us more joy.

Endings and Beginnings

Today was my last undergrad class and I'm glad to say it was with Matt Tedesco. He's been a fantastic professor and has made going to class a total joy. I'm also really glad Betsy and I took this class; I think I would have still enjoyed it if she hadn't been there, but it definitely enhanced my experience of it.

Today was also the last roundtable. I wrote a real sappy piece about how much I love Beloit and they included one of my favorite pictures of all time

BCXC Ladies 2011

I love this picture for a number of reasons. You wouldn't know it by looking, but it was actually 95 degrees outside that day and a million percent humidity. That is an exaggeration of course, but Quinn was found with heat stroke wandering around a bog with his shoes off, so it really was hot. Not only was it that hot, but this picture was taken POST RACE. Yeah, that's right. We all ran 3.1 miles as fast as we could and we look awesome. This was also the beginning of my favorite season of sports at Beloit. This was easily my favorite team to have been a part of, and by that I mean cross country '11. We all spent a lot of time together and enjoyed doing so and it never felt forced and my pv fam ladies were there and it was just really great. Then I disappeared for a year and my last sports team has been much less cool so I like remembering how good things can be instead. 

I'm basically done with school. That has pretty much been the case since the 17th, but I'm kind of bored with it all at this point. Everyday being Friday is cool for awhile, and then you realize that Friday's only exciting when you actually went through Monday-Thursday first. It's also weird because most people still have a whole bunch of crap to do and I really don't. 

I just got off the phone with my dad to discuss my coming home to get a hair cut this weekend before my second to last track meet. I have to pack up some stuff so that we don't have to deal with everything on May 12th. It has been brought to my attention that I never really told people that I'm moving after graduation. I got a job at Seattle Gymnastics Academy, coaching gymnastics and teaching preschoolers French. I'm really excited but of course a little nervous too. But mostly excited. What I'm most excited for is having one constant place. I spent all of college bouncing between school, home, cross-country internship, school, home, school, abroad, Beloit, internship, school; while I enjoyed that, each of those places carried with them very different boundaries and expectations and I think it will be nice to be able to relax into one identity for awhile. 

So I'm going to go take a nap before I lazily attempt practice. My hamstring hurts and I should probably stop track now but I only have two meets left so I'm just going to suck it up. I don't care about pole vaulting right now, but I think if I quit now, I'd regret that choice in 10 years when I can't pole vault anymore so here we go. 

Edit: I'm going to go to practice early so I don't have to deal with our crazy head coach and his time wasting mechanisms. I will stay until real practice time starts and do the warmup and then leave. 

I also didn't nap. Instead, I looked up Seattle apartments and sent a million messages to Liztowne and I can't believe that somehow I am going to be a real person with a job and an apartment and I need to acquire a vehicle and transport my entire life across the country and I think I've figured out how to entertain myself until I graduate. 

In case if any of my readers were looking to get me a graduation gift, that last paragraph should have some good hints. Just think about it, ok?