Let Faith Arise

This is a difficult post for me to write; I wasn't even sure if I was going to share it, but I think it's something people who know me should hear about.

I had the absolute worst week of work ever. Easily my worst one since I started at this company - in fact, I would rank every class I taught in the top 20 worst classes of this last 19 months or so that I've been here. If my boss had not been out of town, I really do think I would have put in my 30 days this week.

I'm also dealing with the fact that I have one job offer and one interview offer on the table elsewhere. I definitely want to leave SGA in the near future (for a multitude of reasons), but at the same time, it's very tied into my Seattle identity - marking most if not all of my relationships - and even my post grad identity as a whole. I feel indebted to SGA; I am beyond grateful because without this company, I would likely not have moved to Seattle with Elizabeth, gone vegan, run up a mountain, lived with Jordan, or done gymnastics conditioning the way we have. There have been highs and lows, but gratitude is at the forefront and I don't regret it. I know I do need to leave, to uphold integrity and to ultimately carve out my small corner in this world, but it doesn't make it easy.

All week, I fought for joy, and constantly felt like I was losing. There were moments of light - some of the sweetest worship I've had in a LONG time, some of the deepest laughter, some of the most honest prayer - but the darkness always came back.

All that to say, by the time I finished on Thursday evening, I was an emotional wreck. I cried the entire yin yoga session I went to - I literally sat on the mat, did about three cycles of breath, and started sobbing and never stopped. I cried all the way to the airport to pick up JT. I cried in the cell lot. I yelled at T a little and I felt bad about it. Elizabeth and I were texting -

K: I haven't had quite the emotional melt down like this maybe ever
E: Are you okay?
K: I don't even know how to answer that. It's like every fear and doubt I've ever had keeps hitting me all at once. I can't even ground myself.
E: So not really. This probably isn't helpful but I know that feeling and it will pass. It's probably good you're acknowledging it and not trying to ignore it.

I wrote later, I didn't even know who I was or where the ground was. That was so scary. Remembering now that it was Naomi's deep faith that deepened her grief (See Paul Miller's A Loving Life). We are so hard on ourselves. We think we just need to be stronger and believe better, and memorize more Scripture and that if we have emotional breakdowns or panic attacks, it means we're lesser Christians. But in fact, some of the deepest relationships with the Lord also had the deepest pain. 

Finally starting to rest in His presence.

I slept in, though I don't know how long because I purposely keep myself from looking at clocks in the morning on my days off. My phone was outside my room, so I missed Jordan's text at 9:18 - "are you sleeping lady?" (what does it tell you that my roommate was concerned about not having seen me by 9am? lol ) I was writing.

I've been thinking a lot about the book, Circle Makers, that I read a few years agao. The premise is praying bold prayers rooted in honest faith that God is who He says He is and upholds the universe by the word of his power. There is a people who would kneel to pray and draw a circle around themselves and not leave the circle until God had moved. I think that's a beautiful, scandalous faith. My room is my circle; I will not go out without the peace of God. 

 I was knee deep in my twelfth reading of John (still in bed, mind you) when J came down and peeked her head in to see if I was still I alive. I said I was and she left and I cried a little more. I read on.

If you abide in my word, you are my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:31-32

I am the door. If anyone enters by me he will be saved and will go out and find pasture. 10:9

I have come into the world as light so that whoever believes in my may not remain in darkness. 12:46 

 I felt the truth of God washing over me. I continued with Psalm 63

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. But those who seek to destroy my life shall go down into the depths of the earth; they shall be given over to the power of the sword; they shall be a portion for jackals. But the king shall rejoice in God; all who swear by him shall exult, for the mouths of liars shall be stopped. 

 I thought that last bit was especially powerful - every lie you've ever believed, about yourself, about God - those will all end. Can you imagine that reality?

I finally braved going upstairs, mostly because I was hungry. The fact that I didn't leave bed until after 10am is a BIG DEAL if you know me well. I had a green smoothie and a super healing cacao flax muffin. Jordan and Trevor tried to cheer me up, but I was still rather withdrawn.

Back to the Kate cave it was.

I was next led into Lamentations, which is one of my favorite books of the Bible for its raw honesty. It led me to seriously consider myself, it led me into repentance (I am NOT saying that when you are suffering, it's because you're in sin, but I definitely think that we can and often do sin in that suffering, and sin is sin and it needs to be taken seriously), but mostly it led me straight to Jesus.

I wrote, Even the lows of life are not outside of God's sovereignty - The Lord has done what he purposed; he has carried out  his word, which he commanded long ago. Lamentations 2:17a

And I read on

Their heart cried to the Lord. O wall of the daughter of Zion, let tears stream down like a torrent day and night! Give yourself no rest, your eyes no respite! "Arise, cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night watches! Pour out your heart like water before the Lord! Lift your hands to him for the lives of your children who faint for hunger at the head of every street" 2:18-19

my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord" Remember my afflictions and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him" The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. 3:17-26 [Side note: I think the context of the famous "mercies new every morning" verses is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. One second, Jeremiah is hopeless, then he's able to remember who God is and his hope returns. We can't wash over the darkness]

For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love. 3:31-32

Who has spoken and it came to pass unless the Lord commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come? 3:37-38

And I reflected

I think what was so scary about last night was that I forgot who God was, or I at least forgot how to believe Him. If I don't know my God, I don't know myself, and when your identity is attacked, your whole world falls to pieces. 

And I sang, a song I hadn't even heard in at least a year

I life my hands to believe again 
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever 

Let faith arise
Let faith arise
Open my eyes 

- Chris Tomlin, I Lift My Hands

I went to yoga, and had a great practice. I was doing new variations and sequences and feeling new openings and balance. I felt graceful, balanced and yes, even beautiful. I came back refreshed.

I started re-reading The Pleasures of God and was brought into a deep enjoyment of God. I felt like myself again, and cooked up a storm (oatmeal "cupcakes", chocolate coconut bark, and coconut kale soup) and I listened to three sermons from the Anchor Church I AM series (I am the light, I am the door, and I am the good shepherd) while I did it.  I KILLED it at cyclefit, hitting a new all-time high wattage.

Did I enjoy this week or last night? No. But I do see how God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I feel like I was brought through a valley to see a better view of the mountain. I love Jesus, and if this is how He brings me deeper into Himself, let it be.

Let faith arise.