Irony

Today at church we sang Healer.

I was sick. 

Anyway....

Gifts: 

- Facial conversations with Bianca during worship 

- Dillon. Just Dillon

- Eating cake with Natalie 

- Actually everything about my morning with Natalie: red hair bows, and her telling me her favorite foods (mac n cheese and strawberries, but she doesn't put the strawberries in her oatmeal), and looking for Grandma ("Her name is Grandma Kris and she has hair like mine") 

- The grace to make it through the whole service, awake 

- Lecrae winning a Grammy 

- 6 hour naps 

- Leftover sub for dinner 

- Lily's brownie delivery 

- Figuring out if it was morning or night when I woke up (night) 

- Learning that red wine can help you get over a cold 

- Brunching with Kelsey 

- Changing out of my dress and tights and into soft leggings and a hoodie

- The fact that Lily had put the brownies in the fridge and it made them extra delicious 

- Only one class tomorrow, no meetings, just practice. Oh except COO 

- COO being pointless and totally a great place to do your homework or other menial tasks in 

- Realizing I actually did have cold medicine, and that's why the first part of church/morning was easier at the beginning than the end...the stuff I have only lasts for 4 hours. I took it at 7:15, which meant that as the sermon went on, it was wearing off. My life makes sense now! 

- Class at 10 tomorrow 

- Just happening to have red wine in my room #willingtotryanythingatthispoint

- Singing My Faith Has Found a Resting Place (No Other Plea) at church this morning

Wake Up

I honestly haven't been sleeping well since I moved into college*. Well, really since I worked retail for the holidays. Sometimes I only want to sleep at 10am, aka the only time I have class. Sometimes I sleep from 10pm-12am, and then 1-4 and then just stay awake. Last night was the ever fun not able to sleep until 1-5, and then being awake for awhile before drifting back off until just before 7. At that point, I was still tired. I could have slept, but I really wanted to go to morning prayer at 8. So, to coax myself out of bed, I grabbed my journal and started writing what I was thankful for: 

- God as my exceeding joy 

- All white out the window 

- New mercies for this morning, and compassions that fail not 

- My crazy hair dictating the wearing of a headband for the day

- Starting a new book of the Bible (Ezra) 

It was a really nice way to start my day. It's pretty amazing to be just a few minutes into the day and be able to start naming gifts. Throughout the day, it's become a way of calming be down, or improving my attitude. It has slowed my pace and refocused my energies and thoughts. 

Who knew that embracing eucharisteo as a way of life would increase my fellowship with God like this? 

*This is not for lack of trying. I have done everything. I have scheduled my sleep in 90-minute increments, taken hot showers before bed, used the pillow spray, quit caffeine, shut down computer/phone usage an hour before bed, washed my sheets in lavender, drank sleepy time tea, not set an alarm (knowing an alarm is set causes me to wake up at least a half hour before it goes off), made myself super tired and then attempted to sleep in, set an impeccably regulated bed time. Theoretically, I should be getting the best sleep in the world. 

When You Don't Feel Like It

Today, we were supposed to go to a concert, meaning I would miss practice. Due to inclement weather,  we decided to call it. However, I had planned out my day so that I would not be doing a snowy/freezing rain adventure. So I'm due to go to practice in just under an hour, and let me tell you, I DO NOT feel like it. Did you know that I have fleece blankets on my bed? And copious amounts of coffee and tea? And books I'd like to read?

But I'm going to suck it up and go for a run. It'll be dark, it'll be cold, it'll be wet. It'll be lonely, too, because Betsy won't be there and we usually do this stuff together. When you run when you don't want to, you gain this resilience, this strength. Sometimes they end up being the best runs you have. But even when it's bad, you realize that you can push past your (selfish) inclinations and accomplish something.

I was just talking to Jane about this last night - about continuing to pursue God and read His word even when you feel like you're not getting anywhere. God blesses obedience, and by digging in, gritting your teeth, and doing it anyway, you gain a whole new intimacy with the Lord. It's you saying, "I don't understand right now, but I'm going to trust you anyway".

He Ponders

It's one of "those" times. I can't do anything - go online, leave my room - without being reminded that I will be applying for jobs; I'm not sure I know what I want to do or even how to figure that out. I had my second thesis meeting, and it wasn't great. It made me feel a little confused, and just small in general. Based on my professors, I'm sure I don't have anything to really worry about. They want me to do well, and they're still excited to see what I'm going to come up with. In any event, it's the kind of season where you wonder what's going on.

I went back to a verse I read this morning:

For a man's ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths. Proverbs 5:21

The Lord ponders all the paths of a man. What does it mean to ponder?

1. to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate 
2. to weigh carefully in the mind, consider thoughtfully 

God considers the paths of of man deeply and thoroughly. Nothing happens without a purpose. There is a weighing of intent; every action and reaction carefully considered. How freeing that is!

Today is Tuesday

This morning, I went to breakfast. I usually eat on my own, but today I met up with friends.  One of them said, "Hey guys, tomorrow's Wednesday already".

But today is Tuesday.

It's before 9am on Tuesday, and you're already pushing forward to Wednesday? Do we not rush through life enough as it is? We press on to what is next without savoring what is right now.

"I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...Through all that haste I though I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away. In our rushing, bulls in china shops, we break our own lives" Ann Voskamp 

For how great is his goodness, and how great his beauty! Zechariah 9:17a 

For he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name. Luke 1:49

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Today is Tuesday, and the lines are certainly falling for me in pleasant places.

Today is

- A worship schedule at last

- A goofy worship pastor's email

- Sensitivity to negative attitudes, my own and others'

- Matching bacon/peanut butter/apple sandwiches

- Friends talking over one another, because we can still understand each other and being slightly obnoxious is our love language

- Having your worship pastor tell you that you have a nice voice and will be singing more, when you are convinced that is false

- A 3 minute conversation somehow spread over 20 minutes

- Library run before class, for next class's homework

- Getting off campus to the land of godly women, precious, creative, spunky little girls, charming teen boys, and worship teams not afraid of laughter

- Burritos with fresh salsa

- Knowing your paper is just about done

- Being prepared to discuss your thesis at the next meeting

- I believe You're my healer/Jesus, You're all I need

- Friends who are like family

- Hours of gifts stretched out before me, waiting to be discovered

Today is Tuesday

Full and Slow

Today is a slow morning. It has been full, full of all the usual things, and the things that are becoming usual, and yet, I feel slow, like I am missing things or not fully participating in things.

This morning, I am thankful for:

- Waking up 2 minutes before my alarm

- Having clothes picked out the night before

- Snow snow snow

- Someone to walk with, who also enjoys the snow

- A boy's version of "making" a pie (putting an already made pie in the oven for an hour)

- A small group of committed students starting the day with prayer, together

- Being in sync with someone so that the next task is not even spoken

- Comfy couches at the school coffee shop

- Seeing our IV staff worker meeting with students

- Sitting on that couch and pouring hearts out, laughing fully

- Teachers who, were, after all, able to make it to class on time

- Hands being raised, then taken down, and yet, still called on

- The way Betsy plays with her rings with one hand while still raising it in the air

- Making philosophy somehow practical

- Standing in the doorway, discussing

- Calling a dorm room "home"

- Lunch date with a new friend

- Shared questions on assignments, for different classes

- Afternoons spent stretching thoughts into papers

- Realizing pole vaulting is a bad choice for today, and being ok with that

- Sierra Mist, left over from last night's dinner splurge

- Haphazard rearranging of desks so we can see one another better

- Using awkward time between class and lunch to write blog posts

- Knowing my day may be full, but that attitude and pace are linked

"Life is brief and it is fleeting, but it is not an emergency" Ann Voskamp 

Worth It

I know I posted on worship leading earlier this week, but I have more stories. After Betsy live blogged her pre-game last night, I had morning live blogs in my head. This is what my morning looked like: 

7:00 Why is this time late on every day except Sunday?

7:12 I seriously have to get up. 

7:16 It is so unrealistic to have to look nice in front of the whole church when it involves Sunday mornings

7:18 Clothes. Clothes are hard.

7:24 I like my top half but not the skirt I picked for it. 

7:28 After trying on all my skirts that could possibly go with the top, I boldly put on flower print pants

7:29 Am I allowed to wear these to church? 

7:30 Especially on the stage? 

7:31 I'm going to anyway 

7:32 Flower headband to match. 

7:33 They almost look like dress pants

I then read my Bible for the next half hour, made a coffee, packed up, and left. This morning, I actually felt awake. I also really love all the songs we played (10,000 Reasons, You Are My King, What a Wonderful Savior, Thank You Lord, How Deep the Father's Love For Us, Rock of Ages, and Forgiveness - written by our worship pastor). I also had a lot of fun with the team this week; they're a bunch of goofs. Between practice and church, fellowship hour, I ate cake, because I didn't eat breakfast and there was cake. I clearly had a valid excuse to eat cake for breakfast. 

During the service, there was a little girl and her brother sitting in the front room, and I smiled at the girl. I said hello with my eyes to all the college students as well. I think. Apparently Jane thinks it's funny to watch me. I also managed to navigate the awkward "I'm on worship team, but I still have to take communion and I'm kind of playing guitar right now" time with relative success. 

Anyway, since this was only my second time, there are still a number of people in the church surprised to learn that I play guitar. I had that strain of conversation a number of times, but the best was having it with Jason, who was holding his 7-week old son and inclined to pass him on. Yes! 

As I was grabbing my coat, the little girl I'd smiled at was in her dad's arms. He said, "She never wants to talk to people, but she said we had to go find the girl playing guitar". She told me she was three, and that her name is Natalie. That was really special to me. We talked about her sparkles and her cool hat. When they left, she was running around, but she came around and hugged me tightly, fluffy pink coat and all. There was so much happiness in my heart. It's neat that Natalie and I both blessed each other today, and that when you lead worship, you don't know how God's going to move. You just have to be faithful to what you've been called to do and let Him do the work. 

It definitely makes all the inconveniences and jump-started mornings worth it.