When the only way out is through

Last night I had my first really terrible yoga practice. I have never felt like that during a class before. I wasn't tired, or tight - physically I was totally fine, but I had so much negativity coming up. I didn't enjoy it at all. I felt I was almost going to cry and laid down early. It's hard for me to even describe...grumpy, dejected, just yucky and not good. I started recited Psalm 23 at the end just to keep my mind still and focused on the greatness and goodness of God.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want 
He makes me lie down in green pastures 
He leads me beside still waters; 
He restores my soul. 

When I'm like this, my reaction is to back away. It's to hide, to shrink. But sometimes the answer is actually to lean in instead of push away. I was in bed all cuddled up, staring at my spare guitar (aka roommate Jordan's that she never plays). I know from Scripture and from experience that God honors obedience. Worshiping when I don't want to, when it hurts like hell and makes no sense to sing, glorifies God. It says that I acknowledge Him as greater than my feelings. My fickle heart is prone to wander but I know that it is restless until it finds rest in Jesus. And so in these moments, when I least feel like it, I crawl out of my hole and I start singing

Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed by Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name 

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say 

It is well, it is well with my soul 

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him 

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er 

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

O for grace to trust Him more 

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness! 

Morning by morning new mercies I see 

All I have needed Thy hand has provided 

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me 

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall 

Still be my vision, O Ruler of all

What heights of love, what depths of peace 

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease 

My comforter, my all in all, 

Here in the love of Christ I stand

Thou awakest us to delight in Thy praise; for Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it repose in Thee. St. Augustine, Confessions 

Lean into the ugly. Whisper thanks to transfigure it to beauty. Give thanks for all things at all times, because He is all good. Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts 

Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys. C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters