I Am Not a (Full-blown) Hipster

Proof:

I do not understand the mustache trend. There are mustaches on shirts and cut outs and rings and I think  it is INCREDIBLY stupid.

Also, mustaches are (usually almost always) ugly.

I Found a Place for my Soul to Rest

I hope everyone had a great Christmas! I've been working a whole lot, and I've been sick so the blogging hasn't been happening.

Speaking of sick and Christmas, that's what I was. I had the best Advent season I've ever had, but then Christmas Day, I'm pretty sure the only reason I woke up was because I would have otherwise suffocated due to inability to breath. I stumbled out of bed at 6am to take cold medicine and slept for another 3 1/2 hours, woke up, saw everyone else was still (sick) asleep, opened my door, and stayed in bed for another couple of hours. I managed to function enough for a Christmas lunch and presents, but more or less napped/read the rest of the day. So glad Christmas is about Jesus and not everything else because the everything else was not so thrilling this year.

And now speaking of not so thrilling, this was the first time in 19 years that I wasn't with my sister for Christmas. I'm seeing her tomorrow, but it's still sad. I remember Christmases when I was little that seem like they happened in an alternate universe, or to someone else, because the circumstances then were so different from now. Even last year, when things got weird, I had Jess to play parcheesi with me. Not everyone who reads this will know what I mean, but that's ok.

I was reflecting yesterday on what I could learn, and this is what I came up with:

The commercialization of Christmas provokes jealousy and longing. When I was younger, it was about gifts. Now, I would give anything for everyone to be together again. It's easy for me to believe that the grass is greener on the other side. At the same time, I know what Christmas is really about - the Word putting on flesh to dwell among us, knowing from birth that He would be forsaken. Jesus came to die, and to raise our dead hearts to life. That has to be enough for me, because it's the only thing I'll ever have for sure...I miss what used to be...Somehow, I have to believe this makes the truth of this season even sweeter. Christ knew He was stepping into our mess, a broken world, and He came anyway. God, You knew before You made us that this would be required, but You poured out the blood of Your Son voluntarily. Even as the people You love hurt You and each other, You care for us all most tenderly. 

Sorry if that was too depressing for the still Christmas after Christmas crowd.

I've been really into this song lately. Maybe that will help lift the mood.

Sun & Shield - Gateway Worship

I found a love that never lets me go. I found a joy deeper than what I've known
I found a place for my soul to rest and leave my burden and lose myself.

You are the shelter from the pouring rain. You are the freedom to begin again
You are the hope that will see me through. I leave my all and run to you

You are my sun and shield, beyond what i can feel
I put my trust in who you are

You are the strength in me, beyond what I can see
I put my trust in who you are

I will trust You, I will trust You
I will trust You, I Will trust You


I am at rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from Him. Psalm 62:1 

Dinner Date

I get a dinner break while I'm working; it's 45 minutes. It doesn't take me nearly that long to eat, and I fill the time with reading the Bible. As I said before, I like to get a verse to hold on to the rest of the night.

Tonight, I was staring at the empty chair across the table from me, and I sat wondering what it would be like if Jesus were sitting right there. Since the Lord is near to all who call on Him, I had a conversation (in my head: I didn't want everyone around me to think I was nuts!) with Christ the way I would with any dining companion. It was so beautiful -best date ever!

Do Not Be Anxious

Sometimes I start to worry about the fact that I don't have a concrete thesis topic yet or really solid leads on a job/interviews. I'm putting work in, but it feels like nothing's happening, and it's hard not to be anxious about all this.

There's a Wolof proverb that says, "Invoke God, but plow your fields". It means to trust God, but also to walk in faith, keep making moves.

There's also Philippians 4:6-7 and Matthew 6:25-34.

I know I don't need to be anxious, and that everything will turn out fine if I keep going, but sometimes I still am. Life, I guess.

I think the hardest part is not comparing myself to other people. I look at friends who are going to interviews or even landing jobs or being accepted to graduate school or getting married and/or finishing or researching very specific theses, and I feel like I'm so far behind.

 I think that people waste far too much time and energy in comparisons, and place far too much value on them. Further, I remember my psychology teacher in high school's poignant illustration of how we always compare up instead of down. He knew one of his students ice skated, so he asked, "Leah, how are you at ice skating?"She said, "I'm ok I guess". Our teacher then said, "Well, are you better than Kyle?" Leah said, "He doesn't skate" He said, "Well then you're better than him. Are you better than Kelly?" Leah said, "Yeah, she skates socially once in awhile". He went on with just about everyone else in this class before going on to say, "We have established that you are the best ice skater in this room. When you supposed that you were ok, who were you comparing yourself to?" Leah said, "There are a lot of people better than I am". Our teacher then said, "And there are even more who aren't".

Similarly, someone told my parents at my first national gymnastics meet that the ratios of competitive gymnastics broke down to something like this:

1,000,000 girls in the US take some form of recreational (non competitive) gymnastics each year
Only 100,000 of those will ever compete in levels 1-6 (a compulsory progression in which each level has a set of routines that every girl performs)
10,000 make it to optional levels 7-9 (the next set of levels in which each level has requirements, but gymnastics are free to make up their own routines and choose their own music).
1,000 will compete at the highest numbered level, 10.
Of these, 100 will qualify as elite. Elites are the ones who are eligible to make the national team and compete with people like Gabby Douglas.
The number who makes the national team can vary, but this year there were 15.
5 of these girls will make the US Olympic team
2 will be eligible to compete in the Olympic all-around finals, if they qualify at all, because there is no guarantee.
And only 1 of the 24 competitors from around the world will stand on top of the podium.

It is good to remember that you are not the best, but you are not the worst either. Two years ago, I wrote about what I learned from coming in last at the NCAA Midwest Regional cross country race. I was the worst that day, but I was better than so many Americans who couldn't even run one mile, much  less over three.

So it is ever important not to worry about everyone else and what they are doing. You can only control your own thoughts, so as long as you keep plugging along, you have no reason to be upset.

The Lord is Good

Before work, and on a break, I try to find a Bible verse that I can take hold of and repeat to myself as I do mindless work, or am dealing with a frustrating customer. Today was particularly slow; I spent three hours doing little besides buttoning and zipping coats. I have had some wonderful prayer times at this job - praying for anyone and anything that comes to mind.

Today, the verse I clung to was

Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good;
    sing to his name, for it is pleasant!  Psalm 135:3 

I came home to a snowy yard, and stew that my mother had made. We turned on the news to be flooded with Sandy Hook coverage. Is anyone else finding it challenging to watch? I can't listen to a parent, a student, even a community member without tearing up. 

The newscaster just said this may be the greatest tragedy on American soil since 9/11. I was just barely ten years old that day when we watched the towers fall, and although I knew it was bad, I could not possibly understand the magnitude or repercussions that were still to come. 

Now, however, I understand very well. I spent all summer coaching little girls not unlike many of the victims - girls who loved Dora and pink and butterflies and pretty leotards. Girls who still walked on tip toe just for fun and had mom doing their hair and gave me endless hugs. Girls who could be gone in an instant, just for being dropped off at school one day. I just can't imagine what Newton is going through. 

Newton is the second worst school shooting in history; Virginia Tech is first. Some are saying Sandy Hook is arguably worse, because of the age of so many of the victims. Many ethicists would say they are correct. There is an argument that the tenet of killing that makes it wrong is loss of future. A child of six has a greater loss of future than a student of eighteen. Of course, both are tragic. 

And somehow, even as I weep for this community, that verse is in my head, because God is still good. I recall Aaron Keyes' song, "Sovereign Over Us". In it, Keyes sings, "Even what the enemy means for evil/You turn it for our good/You turn it for our good and for Your glory/Even in the valley You are faithful/You're working for our good/You're working for our good and for Your glory". 

At the end of the day, all I have is the fact that the Lord is good, and His goodness is everlasting and unchanging. That's where my trust needs to be. 

Ethics is Hard

I'm just over 150 pages into my 800 page bioethics book, and the more I read, the more I think about the nature of ethics itself. Many of the writers argue that a practice is or is not ethically acceptable. I can't help but think, "says you" whenever I read that. Based on our views and values, each of us has a different ideas as to what is morally and ethically permitted. 

From a secular standpoint, can there really be one definitive ethical standard? Example: it is quite easy to say that murder is wrong and have a lot of support for that statement, especially in light of all the recent shootings. Let's say that someone had the opportunity to kill the Sandy Hook shooter before he killed himself, or more innocents. Is that murder still wrong? Or are you now wrong if you have that opportunity and don't do it? Or what about this one: I read an article saying that both abortion and infanticide are ethically sound. At what point does a person cease to be an infant and become a small child? Is it wrong to kill at 2 years old but not 1 and 11/12ths? Is it wrong to kill at 9 weeks but not 8? Does a child have more value once it can talk? Or is walking the standard? 

In both of these scenarios, someone has to decide that one person has more value than another, and may in fact reach a decision that murder is the right ethical choice. Therefore, it is no longer universally accepted that murder is wrong. 

This is why I find ethics incredibly challenging; it is all intensely subjective and arguing is often fruitless, because it is nearly impossible to just change someone's worldview in an instant. 

I'm really looking forward to class in January! 

Jesus Wept

Anyone on facebook saw thoughts, prayers and condolences sent out, along with debates and defenses on gun control and the second amendment. There have been so many shootings this year, that tragedy is unfortunately becoming a norm. Two of them were in my state, which doesn't make them any more tragic, it just brings everything closer to home.

Today, I believe, was an even more tremendous wake up call. Perhaps we see a reasoning (even if we find it repugnant) behind going into a crowded movie theater - a lot of people on whom to play the villain, or even, as sick as it is, a Sikh temple - religious persecution; but when someone walks into a kindergarten classroom, this is where we lose any ounce of reason we might otherwise have been able to find.

The timing of this shooting - the 14th day of Advent - is what has struck me. Here we are, in the midst of a season of preparation for the celebration of our Savior's coming, and this happens, the kind of thing that causes people to ask where God is in all of this. Will Christmas be sweeter this year in the wake of Sandy Hook? Are you now more prepared to receive Christ with joy? God is sovereign, but there is still more to be said.

Earlier today, I read this meditation on that famous, two-word Bible verse from John's Gospel, Jesus wept. Lazarus was dead, and Jesus wept. But, as the author of that post points out, Jesus already knew He was going to raise Lazarus to life. Jesus already knew everything would be fine, and that He would have the ultimate victory. But despite knowing the joy to come, He still wept for the tragedy of the present moment.

This is akin to Christ knowing He Himself would be raised, and yet, He cried out to His Father on the cross, "why have You forsaken Me?" Jesus knew what was happening as He hung on that cross. He knew that He would be raised, and that He would be the ultimate conqueror over death. He would live to see His name made great among the nations, and would ultimately return to establish His Kingdom. And still, Christ was able to understand our desperation. How fortunate we are to serve a Lord who is both sovereign yet still sympathizes with us.

As we are at home weeping today, and in the days to come, for parents who will never hug their children again, for children who will never see friends, siblings, teachers, and parents again, for a community that will be moving towards a slow path to recovery and security, for a nation that has suffered and will attempt to work towards a better solution, and for a world lost in its sin, may we take comfort in the fact that Jesus wept.