Stress Eating and a Sanity Manifesto

This is exactly what they look for as warning signs for how people became obese when they're on the Biggest Loser. I love the Biggest Loser, but I also love stress eating. It is currently not a big deal because I am 21 and I also run a whole lot. And I call it stress eating when I eat a quinoa salad and then cookies and coffee so it's not like I'm eating a whole pizza or anything like that.

Anyway, this is why I'm stress eating:

Beth paper
Matt paper
Debate
Thesis
Thesis
Thesis
Symposium
Easter service order
Easer service participants
Palm Sunday worship team
Choir rehearsals
Worship team rehearsals
Practicing the guitar parts
Looking for a job

Maggie told me to just start telling people I'm going to vomit if they ask me to do anything else. Then she made me laugh when she started talking about how funny of a word vomit is.

Something I realized today is that if I don't find some way to live intentionally positively about the next seven weeks, I am going to be fairly unpleasant to be around, and I'd just rather not act like that and make everyone else feel stressed and have to listen to me whine all day.

I will give the Lord the first and best of my life, and not neglect Him no matter how busy I feel (Psalm 119:10, Proverbs 3:9).

I will ask someone how their day is going before talking about mine, and really care about her answer.

I will take 15 minutes between class/studying and practice to pause and just be.

Every day, I will be thankful for one thing that I accomplished.

I am going to count blessings every hour, on the hour. I will give thanks for all things at all times for the Lord is all good, and I need Him and His grace every hour (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

I am not going to talk about jobs or graduation or anything related to that at practice.

My goal is to recognize the graces in my life and to remember that I am living in God's will.

I will fail and I will get upset but I want to try. Try to be a little bit more thankful, a little bit better.

Sabbath Editing

Although I have always valued my homework-free Sundays, and they have served me well, I am currently (taking a break from) editing my thesis. I debated about this for a long time because this is the first time I have done Sunday homework at Beloit College. But here's why I went for it:

1) Sabbath is a GIFT. It is a commandment, but it also a grace given from God. It's not meant to be a rule on which we depend.

2) If I can't break a standard that I have set up for myself, it's a pretty good sign it's probably an idol or a source of religious, spiritual pride.

3) I technically could have finished this tomorrow morning instead, but it would be less stressful to do it now.

4) If I do it tonight instead of tomorrow, I can have a restful Monday morning and get my week started off right.

5) If I waited until tomorrow, I would be stressed about it tonight and not able to truly enjoy the Lord's rest.

6) I have been blessed with a lot of great rest and time in the word and prayer and fellowship over this break

So there you have it.

Someone should bring me some mac n cheese. That sounds so good right now.

Running

I've had my computer off and in a drawer for most of spring break. I promise I've been thinking about things but I just don't feel like blog posting them right now.

So instead I'll tell you about the run I went on today. Because it is the greatest thing I have accomplished in my collegiate sports career. Better than running cross country regionals, better than placing at conference. I could no height the rest of the season and I will be GLOWING because of today. This post will be boring and pointless to 98% of people. But I don't care.

Today, I got home from church (after a few minor stops with Lily) and I ate some brunch. I probably wasn't that prepared for this run, but you know what, that's ok.

I left brunch and it was raining, and pretty cold. This made me reconsider this whole running thing, because I had this goal of doing a long run called airport.

Airport is the longest of three running options that we sometimes have. The shortest is called pig farm, for hopefully obvious reasons. The middle is called mini airport and the longest one is called airport. They all finish on the same road, which conveniently takes you right back to campus. In my years of running at Beloit, I have never managed to make it all the way out to airport. Today was to be the day.

So it was raining, but I decided to suck it up and go for it anyway. At least I wore my baseball hat.

I wore my watch, but I didn't time myself because I didn't want to give myself the option of quitting, and if I knew how long I'd been running, I might just give myself permission to turn around ( I expected it to take between 90 minutes and 2 hours). No, this was going to happen.

Now you might be wondering how to not be miserable on this wet freezing run. Good question.

I listened to hymns for a long time. My pace was good, and I didn't walk at all. I actually kept telling myself to slow down for awhile because I didn't want to get tired out but eventually I just let myself go.

When I finally hit Colley Road, it was time for the packing play list. I call it that, but really it's what I listen to before track meets and on the treadmill. And when I pack. It's really weird. Don't judge me.

There was one point when I was basically frozen solid and my clothes were stuck to my skin and I just suddenly got really tired, and if it hadn't been raining I probably would have just laid down on the road. But thankfully, it was soaking wet and there were tons of puddles so my best option was to keep running. I got faster the closer I got to campus, which is technically what you're supposed to do on a long run but I never really do. And then I barely stepped into my room and my clothes were off and I was in the shower.

Showering after freezing rain runs is really strange because it takes me at least 5 minutes to figure out the water temperature, and to actually feel it.

I drank coffee, which I'm sure is not something you're supposed to do right after a run and eventually drank some water and ate an orange. I plan on doing nothing the rest of the day.

I remember talking with some non-runners once and they said, "I don't know how you guys have energy for that" And we said, "Oh, we just don't have energy for anything else. Like walking upstairs"

Also, I'm not even all the way unpacked from spring break 1 (Boston). I wonder how long I can go. I didn't unpack from Senegal all the way until 7 months after I got back....

Running is hard. But occasionally, it's worth it.

Learning to Love Without Ifs, Buts, or Whens

Every journal I start begins with a verse, and a short prayer that express how I feel God wants to grow me at that time. As I shared earlier, the verse I got was Song of Solomon 8:7, many waters cannot quench love... I'm writing a whole thesis on what it really means to love your neighbor, so this is definitely the time for me to be learning about love. I'm calling to mind that week in mid-November when we all sat and prayed and Victoria had a word for me about plunging deeper into the study of what love is.

Yesterday, after a morning spent traipsing around Boston and staring history in the face, I was ready for some reflection. It had been a long, wonderful weekend, but I needed more time. I counted blessings in my journal, nearly two hundred of them since Saturday. And then I remembered an incident from less than an hour earlier.

I was trying to consolidate mine and Betsy's belongings so as to make them easier to carry around, as we had to check out of our hotel and she was at her interview. As I repacked things, I was going to send her a note - I love you, but your packing style is messy.

I didn't say that, because before I could, it hit me:

I love you, but

That's a condition.

I wrote in my journal, Is my love really so superficially conditional? That I will love only when it is neat, tidy, convenient, easy? Surely that is not that love I've been shown in Christ! And is He not my example? O Lord, help my unbelief! Help my failure to love! If I cannot truly love a friend, how can I love an enemy, or a stranger? O to grace! 

I'd like to think I'm better than that, that this was maybe just one incident that doesn't matter that much. But as I searched my heart, I saw the same pattern, repeated over and over again, if not in my words, certainly in my thoughts, attitudes and actions.

I love them if I have time 

I love them, but not this quality 

I love them when it's easy 

I love them if they will love me back 

I love them, but not right now 

I love them when they're like me 

I love them if they have something to offer me 

I love them, but I don't know how to be there 

I love them when it makes sense to me 

Ifs, buts and whens

Agape - the love I've been shown, the love presented as my example to follow in Christ - has no room for that

It is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional.

Unconditional, which means no conditions, no definitions of who is worthy of love, no limits, absolute, which means "not dependent on external conditions, complete"

Familiar words roll off my tongue

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice and wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

I like loving when its my way.

But that's not really love.

I am irritated, I resent.

But that's not love.

I like loving when the burden is light.

But that's not love.

Love bears all.

Spring Break Haikus

I'm too tired to write everything out, so I'm going to go ahead and write you a haiku a day

Saturday
Arrived in Boston
Brian Kimball took us home
His family rocks

Sunday
Small town church service
Celebration of Em'ly
What a huge blessing

Monday
Hampton beach, Boston
Cotton candy with pop rocks
Amazing Race wynn

Tuesday
History and ducks
Bath of green tea lemonade
Not impressed with snow

Taking Off

This morning I woke up too early and went to Nikki's to start my new journal. The verse I have for this season is Song of Solomon 8:7

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be despised. 

I'm really excited for this next part of life's journey...hopefully this journal will include me getting a job.

And in just a few short hours we'll be taking off for Boston/New Hampshire. How cool! I was packing last night, and I really love short trips like this. They're so relaxed. Well mostly I just like going on trips where I don't need my computer. I think it would be fun to travel regularly.

All packed and ready to go 

In any event, I'll talk to you Wednesday.

Results Are In

Betsy and I just found out we didn't get the speech. But big thanks to all of you who described us, listened to us endlessly talk about it, didn't get mad when we practiced on the bus while we were watching a movie, and gave us your overall support. We will be presenting it to the track team for another very special occasion. Turtles fly together.

We actually feel really good. For all the weird kinds of stress that went into this project (mostly today as we anticipated the email), it doesn't feel disappointing. I don't know exactly how Betsy feels, but I didn't feel sad or upset or anything. In fact, other people have been more upset about it than we have, proving that if it had been a popularity contest, we would have nailed it ;)

We had a great time writing the speech and talking about why Beloit has been meaningful to us. I think it would actually be cool if there were a commencement speech writing class or something (like a 1/4 credit first module spring semester or maybe second mod first semester), because it was a really good exercise in reflection, speech writing, and giving.

Not to mention the fact that it was something we did together, a combined effort. That feels good too.

Now, to focus on spring break!

(also, maybe this is too much information, but after all the pressure on what to wear, I found out when I was just out of the shower. yup)