Satya by the grace of God

Satya is a word that has been rolling around my mind lately. In sanskrit, it means truth. In yoga, it's one of the five yamas, "the virtuous restraint from falsehood and distortion of reality in one's expressions and actions".

Restraint from falsehood.

If you've never struggled with an eating disorder, please let me tell you how they love to lie. ED is fluent in deceit and a master of trickery. He loves to confuse you and warp what you know to be true. He is the serpent in the garden, the most crafty of all beings, forever asking, "Did God actually say...?" (Genesis 3:1-2).

I am currently living in almost daily, often hourly, tension. I value discipline. I value what is right over what feels good. And of course, this is where my enemy attacks. Because when I'm tired, when I'm sore, when I'm restless, when I don't know if I should take another class or be still, when I don't know if I should eat, what I should eat, I lean in and try to hear the God who says

Be still and know that am I God 

Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest 

My peace I give to you 

But I end up hearing

Doesn't Jesus always meet you on your mat?

You're just being lazy 

You'll feel better if you take class 

Don't be so entitled

Make a better choice  

And I do firmly believe that sometimes you have to do things that don't feel good, that you don't feel like doing. That's often where sacrificial, others-centered love comes in. That's the heart of servant hood and at the root of personal holiness. But self-denial (a good, biblical virtue) turns rotten in the hands of ED. That's what the enemy does. He doesn't have the power to create; instead he takes the good that God has made and he twists it. He distorts reality.

And what is satya?

Restraint from the distortion of reality.

Yoga has always been more than a physical practice for me. Right now, for me to practice satya is for me to ignore ED, which is much easier said than done. It's confusing and it's hard and I don't always get it right. But there is grace for that. I think one of the biggest graces I've recognized lately is that it is much harder for me to go without eating than it once was - I get extremely lightheaded and dizzy and it makes it almost unbearably difficult for me to do my job. How is that grace, you ask? It's grace because God loves me enough to make it nearly impossible for me to self-destruct. It helps me with the practice of satya because I have to confront reality. I have to see myself as I actually am.

"The grace of it all is the same grace that God offers me when I'm in my most self-destructive wounded places - they very weakness we feel in our image of ourselves is the place God will meet us most deeply. The way toward healthy body image isn't by ignoring our desires to be thin or muscular or shapely, but by stepping in closer to them. Every time we think 'fat' when passing by a mirror is an opportunity to notice and attend to our own sense of loneliness and inadequacy, a place that God's love and presence can meet us - if we'll open the door" Tara Owens, Embracing the Body