This is really more like two separate posts so I'll put in a big space between thoughts. They're related, but I'm not invested enough to make it satisfyingly cohesive.
Related to my last post, I'd like to keep talking. Talking about struggling can be really difficult for me, because I'm generally a joyful and independent person. I smile a lot. I'm often the person other people talk to about their burdens. Not to mention, I don't even know how to start the conversation half the time. I remember trying to tell Elizabeth last year that I was in counseling and we took a whole class together and walked home and I was trying to work up the nerve the entire time and then we got home and she went upstairs and I finally had to text her to come down because I had something to tell her. And we lived, worked and often played together! But sometimes it is harder with the people you're close to.
Anyway, I have a newer friend and we were just starting to get to know each other when I was in the thick of things several weeks back. I was scared to tell him what was really going on with me because I didn't want him to have to deal with my hot mess. I think there was also some fear that if he knew that part of me, he wouldn't want to hang around. But being honest and vulnerable was the best thing that could have happened. He has amazed me with his patience, care, encouragement and wisdom. I couldn't have dreamed of anything better.
This has been bothering me for over 24 hours now:
Yesterday morning, a woman at yoga with whom I regularly practice said I looked skinny. "You look skinny. Not that you weren't before, but there's a difference". We chatted, and it was apparent she meant it as a compliment. First of all, I dislike the word skinny. I don't know why - it's like how some people have an aversion to the word savory or moist. So right off the bat, it made me uneasy. Secondly, there have been times in my life where it was not meant as a compliment. It's been a question, "Are you ok?" "Do you need help?" and it's been a plea, "You need to take care of yourself". I am as guilty as anyone else for noticing, judging, criticizing, commenting on, and praising other people's bodies. But I've been trying to figure out why we do it. What makes it feel like it's our right? When it's people we love who are clearly unhealthy (on both ends - disorder-style thin, or obese), who are putting themselves at risk or even in danger, I think that our love for them should cause us to say something. I am so thankful for the people who have been brave and kind enough to say the hard things to me, even if it meant I didn't like them very much at the time.
But in other cases, why does it matter? Why is it our business? With yesterday morning, for example: I know that woman didn't mean anything harmful by what she said, but it triggered a lot for me. At first I wondered if she knew my "secret" (I say "secret" because it's on the internet so it's public but it's also not something I walk around advertising or talk about with many people) and was cautiously expressing concern. Then the darkness tried to tempt me: if she thinks I'm skinny and look good now, what if I was thinner? I'm moving past that now, but it could be a really awful thing. I'm doing pretty well now, but that might not have been the case. I just think there's no way to know what someone else could be dealing with and we should be considerate and careful with our words.
Thank you for hearing my truth. I have been absolutely loving Fight Song by Rachel Platten. Here's a little video of me doing the pre chorus and refrain. It's not awesome, but it's all just fun.
Because I've still got a lot of fight left in me
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