When you love teaching, but it hurts

First off, I will say that I have never been happier with my job and lifestyle choices than I am right now. It is a joy to work with all different kinds of kids - frustrating at times, yes, and challenging for sure - but I sincerely love what I do and feel the weight of the honor and the privilege that it is every day.

But sometimes, it makes my heart hurt.

It took me almost an hour to leave the gym tonight. I was trying to decompress from a really unsettling evening. One of the girls came into practice looking absolutely exhausted. She said she was really tired and she did not look at all like herself. I asked her if she was ok and she hemmed and hawed about it; we were staring at the first 15 minutes of a 3 hour practice so I asked if she'd rather go home. She said she'd wait until break and see how she was then. I kept checking in with her and told her it was totally fine if she wanted to go home. Finally, she looked really stressed and anxious and said, "Coach Kate, the reason why I don't want to go home is because I'm going to Hawaii for a whole week and I can't miss anymore gymnastics than that".

You guys.

I pulled her aside and I got down on my knees and I gave her a hug. I could barely hold back the beginnings of tears as I told her that I know how hard she works and that she already knows the routines and is strong and a great gymnast, and that if she is sick or that tired, she can take a rest and still be totally fine. She looked so relieved. Her mom came to watch practice for awhile, and I asked if she wanted to go talk to her. She did, and came back a few minutes later telling me that she'd decided she wanted to go home. I gave her another hug and told her I thought she made the right decision.

There's a lot going on in my head and heart right now. One is that yes, as her coach and an adult, I have the power to force her to go home. However, if she's not contagious or puking or unsafe, I don't really want to make that choice for her. I am really big on autonomy in coaching - I want kids to feel like their gymnastics truly belongs them. If I make that call for her, she isn't in charge of herself. Another is that I would not have listened to me 15 years ago. I love setting an expectation for excellence but I also need there to be healthy boundaries and times of rest. And finally, I think what's bugging me most, is what happened when I talked to some of my coworkers about it. They just said, "well it's good how much she wants to be here".

That hurts. Like no one sees anything wrong with a nine year old who's afraid to go on vacation with her family and take one day off sick?!

And I get it. Believe me. I am not the poster child for a healthy relationship with exercise or rest or achievement. But I have been learning. Constantly. I am not the same person I was as a gymnast through high school or as a college athlete or even earlier this year. And I just have to wonder, where's our line? How do we encourage kids to work hard and be disciplined and expect greatness from themselves while letting them be kids and teaching them healthy habits of play and rest?

Gymnasts are so hard. I don't have the answers. Right now, I'm going to live these questions. I'm going to do the best that I can and pray my heart out. I think that's all I can ask for.