Elizabeth does True Strength Evolution (aka blocks and socks)

Me: You've just started Dylan Werner's Cody App plan, True Strength Evolution. What kinds of fitness activities have you been involved in lately besides this?

Elizabeth: Um. Sweaty yoga and pretending to run

Me: How does TSE compare to the rest of your routine?

Elizabeth: well. It's different, I don't know. I guess it's harder but I cheat more.

Me: What made you want to do TSE?

Elizabeth: Well my roommate Kate was doing it so I figured why not?

Me: You just finished day 2 of 90. What are you looking forward to in the next 88 days?

Elizabeth: uh gettin' swoll. Just kidding. Feeling less like a weakling

Me: What's been your favorite part so far?

Elizabeth: um like always, the savasana. and the complaining that I get to do

Me: What's been the most challenging exercise or series?

Elizabeth: today was harder but that's because I'm weak and also my hands hurt

Me: What is your greatest strength in doing these workouts?

Elizabeth: the complaining. Do I have a greatest strength? I'm really good at modifying. Cheating without anyone noticing.

Me: Do you have anything you like to say to Dylan during these workouts?

Elizabeth: I have a lot to say to him.

Me: Anything else you want people to know about this plan? Or your life in general?

Elizabeth: trying to adult is hard

Me: Can I take a picture of you for the blog? With your blocks and socks?

Elizabeth: Is that going to be the title of this? Block and socks?

Me: Where's the other block?

Elizabeth: I threw it at D-bag

Me: There. Nice plank. Your toes are even turned under

Elizabeth: It's just for the picture

Privileged to Love

This morning at church, our pastor preached the beginning of Haggai. My heart was full and my mind set on Tina, my beautiful, brave sister in Georgia who is suffering now. I ache for her. She is one of my absolute favorite people in the world, and I so deeply desire her joy, especially that full joy Christ came to deliver.

The apostle Paul wrote,

I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh. Romans 9:2-3


That Paul could love a people so much that he'd rather they know peace in Christ than himself used to be an utterly incomprehensible love to me.

Enter Christina

I don't know what it is about her. We are such unlikely friends. It is amazing we even met. There have been countless more opportunities to let it all go than to pursue each other. We see each other once or twice a year if we're lucky. We're deep introverts terrified of phone calls. We are busy, with our own communities and opposite sides of the country. But despite all this, she is my person. I can't help but recall Hazel and her dad in the Fault in our Stars, talking about her short lived relationship with the terminally ill Gus, "but it sure was a privilege to love him, huh?". It is a serious privilege and gift from God to love Tina.

Our pastor today in Haggai said that we get so caught up in what God might be calling us to in our futures, that we forget what He has already called us to right now. He said, "If you don't know where to start, read your Bible and love people. Your friends. Your neighbors. Your kids. Your spouse. God is calling every one of us to love right now"

I think loving Tina feels like such a gift, because she keeps offering it to me, gently, day by day. When hurting people let you be their people, it's a big deal. I have never taken her trust lightly. Loving her has been wild and messy and aching and silly and a chaotic. But behind it all, I've seen Jesus so clearly, drawing us to each other, to Him, and to the redemption for which all creation groans.

What a privilege indeed.

The New Testament: Haiku Edition

For the last year and a half, I've been working my way through a Bible reading plan that involves reading each book 20 times in a row. I added the twist of writing a haiku to summarize what I learned from the deep readings. I've been alternating Old and New Testament, but since there are more books in the Old than the New, I have now finished the New Testament.

Matthew
The prophets told us
Messiah would come - He did
Christ died and He lives

Mark
Jesus is God's Son
When we gain this knowledge, we
Respond in worship

Luke
Jesus knows our hearts
He wanted them so much that
He died to heal them

John
Jesus is the light
By which we see everything
This light is our life

Acts
The name of Jesus
Is our saving foundation
Let us build on that

Romans
We who died to sin
Have life in Christ to be shared
With one another

1 Corinthians
Dear Church, I love you
Get over your sin and live
United in Christ

2 Corinthians
Oh! Hello again!
Your life is all grace - live it
Spread knowledge of Christ

Galatians
There is only one
Gospel that leads to life
Love it and live it

Ephesians
You are now in Christ
You have been saved by His grace
To be His body

Philippians
Christ brought Himself low
That we would count all as loss
And have peace in Him

Colossians
Live as people who
Were created for God's glory
You are with Jesus

1 Thessalonians
The gospel means we
Have the truth with which we can
Encourage the church

2 Thessalonians
God will be faithful
To the body that stands firm
And clings to Jesus

1 Timothy
Jesus came to save
Now, this is how a redeemed
People should respond

2 Timothy
Remember Jesus
You won't regret anything
You do in His name

Titus
We have seen God's grace
He's redeemed us from our past
So, we do good works

Philemon
Slaves become brothers
The bound are called beloved
By the work of Christ

Hebrews
You know the high priest?
The atoning sacrifice?
His name is Jesus

James
Works cannot save you
But when you have faith in Christ
You won't do nothing

1 Peter
Your reality
Will always be the gospel
You are safe in Christ

2 Peter
Don't be tempted by
The false promises of sin
God is truth. Live it

1 John
To the beloved
Christ Jesus is your whole life,
The eternal life

2 John
Brothers and sisters,
Love one another; obey God
Abide in the truth

3 John
Beloved, love truth
Abide in it, work for it
For God is the truth

Jude
You who have received
The truth of God's salvation
Don't be led astray

Revelation
We look forward to
The fullness of victory
We have in Jesus

Revelation 7:17

For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. 



I can't get enough of this verse. Talk about servant leadership. The God who knows us because He wa with us who reigns over death because He first submitted to it. Jesus is the shepherd who can wipe away tears because He was first a tender lamb who cried.  He is a great leader because He humbled Himself to His Father's lead. This is Jesus, the servant-king.

Satya by the grace of God

Satya is a word that has been rolling around my mind lately. In sanskrit, it means truth. In yoga, it's one of the five yamas, "the virtuous restraint from falsehood and distortion of reality in one's expressions and actions".

Restraint from falsehood.

If you've never struggled with an eating disorder, please let me tell you how they love to lie. ED is fluent in deceit and a master of trickery. He loves to confuse you and warp what you know to be true. He is the serpent in the garden, the most crafty of all beings, forever asking, "Did God actually say...?" (Genesis 3:1-2).

I am currently living in almost daily, often hourly, tension. I value discipline. I value what is right over what feels good. And of course, this is where my enemy attacks. Because when I'm tired, when I'm sore, when I'm restless, when I don't know if I should take another class or be still, when I don't know if I should eat, what I should eat, I lean in and try to hear the God who says

Be still and know that am I God 

Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest 

My peace I give to you 

But I end up hearing

Doesn't Jesus always meet you on your mat?

You're just being lazy 

You'll feel better if you take class 

Don't be so entitled

Make a better choice  

And I do firmly believe that sometimes you have to do things that don't feel good, that you don't feel like doing. That's often where sacrificial, others-centered love comes in. That's the heart of servant hood and at the root of personal holiness. But self-denial (a good, biblical virtue) turns rotten in the hands of ED. That's what the enemy does. He doesn't have the power to create; instead he takes the good that God has made and he twists it. He distorts reality.

And what is satya?

Restraint from the distortion of reality.

Yoga has always been more than a physical practice for me. Right now, for me to practice satya is for me to ignore ED, which is much easier said than done. It's confusing and it's hard and I don't always get it right. But there is grace for that. I think one of the biggest graces I've recognized lately is that it is much harder for me to go without eating than it once was - I get extremely lightheaded and dizzy and it makes it almost unbearably difficult for me to do my job. How is that grace, you ask? It's grace because God loves me enough to make it nearly impossible for me to self-destruct. It helps me with the practice of satya because I have to confront reality. I have to see myself as I actually am.

"The grace of it all is the same grace that God offers me when I'm in my most self-destructive wounded places - they very weakness we feel in our image of ourselves is the place God will meet us most deeply. The way toward healthy body image isn't by ignoring our desires to be thin or muscular or shapely, but by stepping in closer to them. Every time we think 'fat' when passing by a mirror is an opportunity to notice and attend to our own sense of loneliness and inadequacy, a place that God's love and presence can meet us - if we'll open the door" Tara Owens, Embracing the Body

 

 

A lot of fight left

I forgot how hard it is to start blogging again once I stop! Carving out even a half hour to sit down and write seems so impossible, but I know it just takes discipline.

This is really more like two separate posts so I'll put in a big space between thoughts. They're related, but I'm not invested enough to make it satisfyingly cohesive.

Related to my last post, I'd like to keep talking. Talking about struggling can be really difficult for me, because I'm generally a joyful and independent person. I smile a lot. I'm often the person other people talk to about their burdens. Not to mention, I don't even know how to start the conversation half the time. I remember trying to tell Elizabeth last year that I was in counseling and we took a whole class together and walked home and I was trying to work up the nerve the entire time and then we got home and she went upstairs and I finally had to text her to come down because I had something to tell her. And we lived, worked and often played together! But sometimes it is harder with the people you're close to.

Anyway, I have a newer friend and we were just starting to get to know each other when I was in the thick of things several weeks back. I was scared to tell him what was really going on with me because I didn't want him to have to deal with my hot mess. I think there was also some fear that if he knew that part of me, he wouldn't want to hang around. But being honest and vulnerable was the best thing that could have happened. He has amazed me with his patience, care, encouragement and wisdom. I couldn't have dreamed of anything better.






This has been bothering me for over 24 hours now:
Yesterday morning, a woman at yoga with whom I regularly practice said I looked skinny. "You look skinny. Not that you weren't before, but there's a difference". We chatted, and it was apparent she meant it as a compliment. First of all, I dislike the word skinny. I don't know why - it's like how some people have an aversion to the word savory or moist. So right off the bat, it made me uneasy. Secondly, there have been times in my life where it was not meant as a compliment. It's been a question, "Are you ok?" "Do you need help?" and it's been a plea, "You need to take care of yourself". I am as guilty as anyone else for noticing, judging, criticizing, commenting on, and praising other people's bodies. But I've been trying to figure out why we do it. What makes it feel like it's our right? When it's people we love who are clearly unhealthy (on both ends - disorder-style thin, or obese), who are putting themselves at risk or even in danger, I think that our love for them should cause us to say something. I am so thankful for the people who have been brave and kind enough to say the hard things to me, even if it meant I didn't like them very much at the time.

But in other cases, why does it matter? Why is it our business? With yesterday morning, for example: I know that woman didn't mean anything harmful by what she said, but it triggered a lot for me. At first I wondered if she knew my "secret" (I say "secret" because it's on the internet so it's public but it's also not something I walk around advertising or talk about with many people) and was cautiously expressing concern. Then the darkness tried to tempt me: if she thinks I'm skinny and look good now, what if I was thinner? I'm moving past that now, but it could be a really awful thing. I'm doing pretty well now, but that might not have been the case. I just think there's no way to know what someone else could be dealing with and we should be considerate and careful with our words.


Thank you for hearing my truth. I have been absolutely loving Fight Song by Rachel Platten. Here's a little video of me doing the pre chorus and refrain. It's not awesome, but it's all just fun.

Because I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Pain Before Peace

I am reading a beautiful, raw, haunting book called Finding God in the Ruins by Matt Bays. He writes about the hard, messy stuff in his life: being molested as a child, a broken family, his sister's cancer, his alcoholism. This is not the pretty kind of white middle America mega church Christianity. 

He talks a lot about the importance of living in the hard places, and telling your story and your truth. He writes, "The path of recovery is painful before it is peaceful". I identify with that a lot, especially right now. I've written before about my eating disorder and about the freedom I found for so long.

And then I had a day.

And a week.

And two weeks.

And a month.

A car accident, musical roommates, difficult work tasks, a death of a young student, a longtime coworker gone.

I tried. I tried more yoga. I tried less yoga. I tried reading. I tried sitting. Coloring. Walking. Singing. Running. Cooking. And when nothing else gave me the relief I wanted, I just stopped eating again.

It's scary how easy it felt. How comfortable. I don't even think I've told more than two or three people, and now here I am telling everyone at once. I went to see my counselor probably a week after I should have, but I went.

I don't know who first said it, but addiction is often likened to having a pet tiger. If you are addicted to drugs or alcohol, your recovery is about learning to keep your tiger in its cage. No one expects you to casually be able to go to a bar or have just one drink. But recovering from an eating disorder is about learning to take that pet tiger for a walk three times a day. And even when he's been on his best behavior, things can go wrong fast.

For me, watching my tiger run wild all over again was like watching your child have a very public tantrum: embarrassing. shameful. out of control. helpless. as if people were judging me.

But Matt's book is encouraging me in the best ways right now.

What if we aren't going to 'get better'? What if our sufferings and doubts are necessary components - or even the very essence of our faith? 

You might feel that going back will break you, but maybe it will make you instead. 

 My counselor said she was so glad I reached out. I scolded myself for not being better and talking to her sooner, but she said I did a great, brave thing in asking for help. And part of all of this is believing that she's right, that even if going back, digging deep, and being honest feels like the worst, most terrifyingly awful thing in the whole world, and it happens a fraction of an inch at a time, it's one more fraction of an inch towards wholeness than I had before.

Isaiah 45:7 says

I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord who does all these things

 God is the author of all things, so to reject the pain and the rough edges is to reject a fundamental part of who He is. As Bays writes,

When our faith is built upon a theology of no more pain, we fail to hold dark and light together and cannot experience the fullness of God. It could even be said that we willfully reject His fullness.
I'm learning that even this part of my story has a plot twist, that the neat and tidy ending I thought I had was only part of its arc. I'm learning to be ok with that, and I'm learning that I still have a lot more left to write. I want that wholeness and even if it's hard and I feel like I'm breaking, I'll keep pushing back.



You might feel that going back will break you, but maybe it will make you instead.