The Hard Eucharisteo

Sunday was the most meaningful communion of my life and I was too exhausted to write about it and process it then, but I think I'm ready now.

Earlier this year, when I read One Thousand Gifts, I knew that it was going to be the most life-changing, non-Bible book I've ever read. And over the last months, it's continued to echo reminders of grace in my life.

Eucharisteo 

I had the kind of week no one can prepare you for and no one ever wants to have. It started with the kind of phone call no one wants to get and sent me to places no one wants to be in.

In the early morning, I read.

Lean into the ugly 

Whisper thanks 

Give thanks for all things

At all times 

Because He is all good. 

Finding ways to give thanks in the darkness didn't mean it wasn't the hardest thing I've ever done. It meant I was receiving the grace to do it for another minute, hour, day. 

And the grace strung those days together, turning fear into gratitude and desperation into hope. 

Until, it was time to face the eucharist on Sunday morning. 

The ultimate giving of thanks. 

I walked into church and I saw those communion plates shining gold right up in front and my heart went to my stomach. Tears flowed freely and my neighbor wordlessly acquired a box of tissues. I sat in the church at the cross and let the lament happen. Everything I didn't let myself feel all week poured itself right out of my heart. And then I took that bread - the Word of God - on which I survive, the Body of Christ broken for me, and looked around at my family, my church family, doing this together. We took the cup - the Blood of Jesus - poured out for our salvation, our life, and how do you not rejoice? 

And that's when I felt it the realest I ever have: eucharisteo joy is not just about giving thanks when things are common or good or great, it's about giving thanks when it's as dark as it can possibly be and we're just hoping for one candle to be lit. It's about believing in a light that will shine in the darkness and not be overcome. 

I've found myself wishing I had three hands because then I could play guitar and raise one hand up in lamenting worship and express my honesty and eucharisteo physically as well as with my heart. 

I read Hosea this week and it solidified its place as my favorite book. I read it and I see who I am and who I'm not and it stills me. 

Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her vineyards and make the valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt. Hosea 2:14-15

That just makes me fall deeper in a sea of love. The valley of troubling becomes a door of hope. She will sing. 

I drew them with cords of kindness, with bands of love, and I was to them as one who lifts up and eases the yoke over their cheeks, and I bent down to them and gently laid food before them. Hosea 11:4

I knew (recognized, understood, and had regard for) you in the wilderness, in the land of great drought. Hosea 13:5

To be understood when you are confused, to be found when you are lost, to be known when you feel so very small, this is the river of eucharisteo satisfying the aching dryness of a weary soul.

But I think the hardest part of the hard eucharisteo is coming to terms with how selfish I am and how little I think of other people, and then when I do, how hard and foreign it is to put myself last over and over again. I don't know how to do that, and I don't like how it feels and I don't like that I don't like it. I am selfish and foolish and I only want the good and I can't see that God is good at all times. 

And so I sit with the body and the Body and the Blood and I weep and I give repent and I give thanks and I lament. 

Eucharisteo 

Return to your rest, o my soul
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. 
Psalm 116:7 

Let the Waters Rise

For the third day in a row, I've woken up to rain. It's been nice.

I love this. Infinitely.

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. 

Let the Waters Rise - Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

Jesus Storybook Bible

When Christina visited me, she introduced me to the Jesus Storybook Bible. It is, as you may have guessed, for children. It highlights a lot of stories in the Bible, and shows God's plan for salvation, hope, and life in Jesus from the very beginning. In short, it's amazing.

I had it on kindle, but I loved it so much I wanted a hard copy, and it came today. It is real, biblical truth, in the most simple, concise form. I absolutely love it. It's the perfect study break or way to relax after a hard day.

I have a lot of favorites in here, but one is from the story of Leah and Rachel. Jacob works for seven years to have Rachel as a wife, and then his father tricks him and gives him Leah instead. He works another seven years for Rachel as a second wife, but he loves her best.

"'No one loves me,' Leah said. 'I'm too ugly'.

But God didn't think she was ugly. And when he saw that Leah was not loved and that no one wanted her, God chose her - to love her specially, to give her a very important job. One day, God was going to rescue the whole world - through Leah's family.

Now when Leah knew that God loved her, in her heart, suddenly it didn't matter anymore whether her husband loved her the best, or if she was the prettiest. Someone had chosen her, someone did love her - with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.

So when Leah had a baby boy she called him Judah, which means, 'This time I will praise the Lord!' And that's just what she did.

And you'll never guess what job God gave Leah. You see, when God looked at Leah, he saw a princess. And sure enough, that's exactly what she became. One of Leah's children's children's children would be a prince - the Prince of Heaven - God's Son.

This Prince would love God's people. They wouldn't need to be beautiful for him to love them. He would love them with all of his heat. And they would be beautiful because he loved them.

Like Leah."

I Went Outside

After I got over the fact that it was sunny, I decided it might be kind of a good idea to leave my bed.

*Despite the fact that it was 60 degrees out, I somehow managed to spend almost 4 hours wearing leggings, a long sleeve, and a sweatshirt, and laying underneath jersey sheets (which are the best because they feel like your favorite old t shirt), a comforter, a double-layer waffle fleece blanket, and a single fleece as well*

Even though the first attempt at doing so was not that great, staying there for the rest of the month is not an option.

I also thought eating might be a good choice. I was very ambitious and picked Bushel and Peck's because I figured they would have a decent soup. I ordered a cup of vegetable soup and it was gross. It was probably very good to a normal person, however, to me, it was not, so I stopped.

I sat on a bench by the river on the way home and read some Anne of Green Gables. Downloading the Anne books onto my kindle was a very good life decision. I read all of these books in fifth grade and they were my favorite thing; I liked them even more than jump roping and doing gymnastics to freak out the aids at recess.

Then I went to Pearson's and bought a Sierra Mist. Another good idea.

And I ate oatmeal and I didn't hate it.

Things are looking up.

It's Sunny

Today is a really beautiful day. Really, really beautiful.

I went to church but I am still tired and anxious and processing. I feel like I put up a wall between me and everyone else because I didn't want to get too close

I came home and put on afternoon clothes and got under all my blankets. I stayed there for almost 3 hours. When I woke up, my thought was, "Is it really still sunny?"

I was actually irritated by that.

Is it graduation yet?

The Pact

About two months ago, I re-read The Pact by Jodi Picoult. I was repulsed. I've been contemplating sharing what I wrote in my journal about it for awhile, and I figure now is as good a time as any:

I'm reading The Pact and it's really making me angry. Before, before I had any reason to be trouble by it, I had liked it. I had been swept up in the love story. I had liked Chris. But now, now that Jess attempted and her boyfriend helped stop her, I hate Chris. He sucks. He should've told someone. Emily had problems and needed real help. If Jess had confided in someone, and that person hadn't told anyone, and she'd died, I would never have been able to express the depths of my anger towards that person. For months after, I had nightmares. Even now, I still do. I've dreamed she was trying to tell me something and I was too concerned about myself. 

Suicide affects everyone it touches, forever. No matter how well the person is doing now, no matter how good you feel about where she's at, you will never ever forget that moment, that heart on the floor, gut wrenching moment when you realized your best friend was in such pain that she thought no life was worth living, and you didn't know how to help her. It is a club no one wants to belong to, and even worse is the club for those who are left when someone "succeeds". I've always found that expression unbearable. Success. As if anyone wins here. Why are the dead winners and the living failures in the statistics? No one wins. 

I have now officially finished. I read all the way through - the acknowledgements, the critical acclaim. My stomach dropped reading the praise. You might tell me, maybe I need to get over it, maybe it's just a book, but I wonder how many of those people would have said the same great things about this book if they'd woken up at 3am, 4,000 miles away from their family, sweating and in tears because they couldn't figure out if their sister had actually killed herself or if it was just another nightmare. I wonder if they had spent hours kneeling in prayer for their friend's sister and family. I wonder how many families they have watched be eaten alive by their worry and fear. And it makes me realize how hard it is to be compassionate. Because I was like them, recommending this book, applauding Picoult's craftsmanship, falling in love with its main character (who is also arguably a rapist); I didn't know on the other side of things. But now I do. I know, all too well. 

Hard Tired Meh

Well this was definitely the hardest week of my life so far and I don't particularly feel like talking about it all that much but I am exhausted and this will be my first night in Beloit since Sunday night when I was exhausted from Easter and still stressed about the first issue.

It's raining, though, which is nice.

I had a lot of great support this week and really appreciate everyone I have in my life.

I think I'm going to bed.